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Sunday Sports Wrap

Posted: March 8, 2014 in Sport

Lets kick off with two golf tournaments from last weekend. First up we had the Splits playing a Singapore Sling and the Funnel had it under control – right up until the last hole. She would have made Sharkie proud with her brain fade on the first playoff hole and this was luckily overshadowed by the miraculous eagle putt by Cream my Jeans a hole later. Then we had the potato farmer Rory play a superb second to the last hole at the Honda Classic, after an earlier collapse, with all that remained was a glory filled 12 footer for eagle and win . He missed. Same hole for playoff, similar position for second shot but went through green and a lousy chip later and all over red rover. The Bear trap claimed another victim. This weekend looks like another pearler on Trumps Blue Monster (as opposed to the red monster which is his wig). Another tough course, another great finish coming no doubt. Tiger may actually be in contention so will probably have to check later in the day to see who actually won given the cameras wont leave the striped one all day.

Then we had the Gentleman’s game of cricket. Yep I almost gagged on that one too. Pup’s agent told him, look mate everyone including me hates you. Get some mongrel in the young dog. I know tell some hated Pom(a Melbourne Cup field admittedly) that you will break their fucken arm or something. Hey it worked, your approval rating soared to double digits just below Rose Corby. More work needed – abuse some Saffers when you already have your foot on their throat. Ca ching Ca ching. Make sure you get The Ghost Who Porks – yep Warnie – to come over for the last test too so the cameras have something to focus on during the slow periods. As to the actual cricket? Warner batted very well but simply needs to shut the fuck up. Smith looks like the kid who would get a regular beating in school yard every lunch time but emerged as the true rising star. Great on Rhino for sealing the deal and even when Mitch doesnt get wickets he still bowls sensibly. Doolan looks good technically but needs a dynamic injection if batting number 3. Sadly all the good stuff is over shadowed by simply appalling on field behaviour.

Then we have the NRL kick off. Rabbits look world beaters but then it is only the start of the season – been there done that. GI looks massive and the players just seem bigger and faster each year. Until you get to the next game with the Broncs and Bulldogs. If Barba stays fit the Broncs can make the 8 but it wont matter much at end of season except Hook probably keeps his job. Looks like 4-6 sides in contention and daylight second. Hoffman is not five-eighth but is a great player and has to be somewhere. Vidot looks the goods but they need a kicker and Hunt is not it at present. Broncs hang tough but lack the wow factor – Hodges will help but they need to sell something and get a quality half back for 2015. Maybe Locky’s voice box up on Ebay? Maybe Matthew Johns contract. Fair dinkum that guy is trotted out on 17 shows a week. He just isnt that funny anymore. Of course the only sad news about return of NRL is reappearance of that cockhead Waterhouse in my life and the constant yabbering about bets. Which is only slightly worse than Rabbits giving us his expert view on how great a show Fat Tony is. Lordy Lordy, stick to footy fellas.

There was probably other sport but there is only 24 hrs in a day and I need my beauty sleep. If I look this good on 6 hrs sleep a night imagine what 7 or 8 could do??

Luckily dont have the sound of rain on roof to keep me awake

Not since 03 anyway.

Tracking # Tina 2015. Part One – A plan forms

Posted: March 4, 2014 in Travel

She who will remain nameless thought the idea of travelling to NYC in February 2015 was rather poorly thought out. The argument has gained support of late with persistent snow and generally poor weather in the city that never sleeps but apparently sleets a shitload at this time of the year. Now I have seen NYC in all its autumn glory so the weather was part of the attraction although did expect it to start to pick up by now. In the background though there has been an ASIO approved Black Ops being planned. And that op is to track down my Tina whilst wandering/stalking the streets. To this end two significant events occurred in recent weeks both involving Jimmy Fallon strangely enough. He has a certain charm I guess but is no Johnny Carson.

The fist was his first night on the Tonight Show since its return to NYC and one of his surprise guests was Ms Fey. Ergo she spends February in NYC. Then lo and behold last night she was back on in all her full glory just being Tina . Ergo she spends March in NYC. Couple of other little titbits (giggle giggle). She “dropped the kid off at school”. (She has a 2 and 8 yr old) Ok should not be too hard to track down which school she goes to. Rather cleverly I had already avoided all known school holidays. And St Patricks Day – but that is another story.

Now any stalker worth his salt would know that Tina was born in Upper Darby PA. The second city for USA 2015 was already firming as Philadelphia so this bit of info was kinda the icing (ok snow!!)on the cake. Of particular interest though is that a certain Upper Darby speciality is Pica Pizza. Luke Cunningham is a writer on Tonight show. In a recent interview with Philly Mag Cunningham stated me that he once bonded with fellow Upper Darbian Tina Fey over Pica’s delicious rectangular pizza.

Here’s what Cunningham had to say:

Yeah, when I did that bit for Tina Fey, I talked to her about the pizza at Pica’s. She said, “My daughter was just there for her birthday.” Tina is going to be on the show on March 3rd

Cue video

Pica Pizza

So taking a cue from Ellen a plan is forming involving dressing as a Pica Pizza delivery guy outside the little brats school around drop off time. Ok, its still in planning stages admittedly. As the weeks turn into months some fine tuning will set this baby up. Of course her home address is the other option but a bit obvious. Still a good fallback I guess but will keep that location to myself at this stage. In the meantime lets sit back and enjoy her next movie. If there was one thing that may have upped the desirabilty factor for TF it was always going to be a Russian accent. Darool Darool. Ok I may have to watch this one in the privacy of my own home.

Yeah, not kidding anyone I guess

Oscars 2014

Posted: March 3, 2014 in Movies

Two words come to mind. Dull and Wooden. Golden Globes is always a much more entertaining show, helped in no small part by my Tina.

Ellen was ok but tends to have more misses that hits. In fact her highlight was probably her comment about 12 years winning or not. She is best as an ad libber so did some good stuff in the walk arounds but give me Billy Crystal any day. Hell, dig up Bob Hope for that matter. Speaking of the walking dead, Kim Novak was a tad sorry to see. At least Sidney Poiter still has grace and dignity even if has trouble reading etc. Of course the continually surprising and gracious A. Jolie helped him along well. Angela Lansbury on the other hand looks about 65.

Best speech was from the supporting actress winner – sheer joy and excitement but also a sense of the occasion and significance. Steve McQueen on the other hand gave a shocker apart from the memorable line – Everyone deserves not just to survive, but to live. This is the most important legacy of Solomon Northup. The other notable speech for me from that gaggle was the adapted screenplay guy – thought it was odd though that he did not embrace McQueen let alone acknowledge him on way up to stage? Our Cate of course was all class as always. Bill Murray was the pick of the presenters. Not a class field mind you

MM on the other hand was in full on mode. Have yet to see Dallas Buyers Club because when I realised it was not about Debbie and cheerleaders it quickly fell to bottom of must see pack. By all accounts he is very good in it. He is very good in True Dick too but still cant take to the guy – much like the Goose Gosling. These Jimmy Dean wannabes just dont twirl my moustache sadly. But I was happy for him . Until he had to go and mention Old Whiskers straight of the bat.

Gravity cleaned up Technical awards as expected and of course gave us a chance to see Sandy float around weightless in panties again. Nice to see a couple of Aussie wins with Great Gatsby – if anyone cares about that stuff. None of the big movie winners engaged me much this year. My pick for best movie was Her – fresh and new. It would never win best picture of course which kinda brings me to the other great quote of the night – from our Cate. “As random and subjective as this award is, it means a great deal” Also enabled her to show her support for Woody again too.

So another year passes and now we have to wait another 9 months. What is that you say – dont you mean 12 months you old fool? Nope. Because as we all know there is only one significant event attached to the presentation of old Golden Boy. And that occurs about 3 months before hand.

Aye matey ye be right again aaarrrggghhhh me hearties.

SCREENERS! Long may they rain down upon us .

Sunday Sermon

Posted: March 1, 2014 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

You can get up off you knees folks – unless that is your preferred position. Uncle Flashy here from The Pulpit to fill you in , so to speak

The state of news reporting in 2014 , with its clever mix of social media and moronic presenters, was on full display this week with the images of a couple of over soaked tarts going postal on a bus. It led the news bulletins, it took up space on front pages. It enthralled the Block/MKR/Voice/Paint Drying brigade out there who were still suffering from post Corby withdrawal. (If only Mr Corby had also withdrawn eh, but that is another story.). It was actually a sad story in many ways and there was so much wrong with what happened it is hard to know where to start. So I wont except to say one thing – something has to change whereby with similar incidents in future (which are sure to happen now) the bus has to stop and offenders removed. Do we need bus marshals like on planes? Sad state of affairs. Almost as sad as the over reporting of it for its sheer titillation value for the great unwashed

Of course as soon as headlines come on I know it is time to switch over to The Daily Show – which sadly should be called something like the 4/7 daily show. Still with Colbert as faithful back up always enough biting satire to watch – and then once a week go full hog with Bill Maher. But me like me drama and while many were creaming their jeans with return of Hannibal et al I went searching , as often do, a bit further a field. Across the pond even. Now devoted followers know of my liking for some Brit Drama, even with a touch of Irish Brogue thrown in – but not too much. So finished Season 4 of the always excellent Love/Hate and now eagerly await Season 5 in the fullness of time – which I apparently have plenty of. I did not bother checking webby thing as for some reason thought Line of Duty Season 2 was a 3 parter so when 3 were available started watching. Now this quality drama folks, not that many of you convicts bother with UK shows and I was somewhat transfixed by the shenanigans but as episode 3 started drawing to a close I thought well things are going to have to speed up. Well actually no ya clown, there are more than 3 episodes! Now I have to wait another 5 days for next installment. At my age that means I need a quick synopsis of the first 3 episodes an hour before hand. That could be an untapped avenue of employment for me actually. Write short recaps for previous episodes for the older folk out there who have trouble remembering what happened yesterday.

Anyway Line of Duty was coming back on so was keen to sit down and watch the second season………. oops. It happened again

So while I wait may just have to contend myself with watching us belt some Saffers around for 5 days. There is something slightly imperfect about a game where the flip of a coin can make such a difference to outcome – but hey when it comes down your way, enjoy. Warner is still a mixed bag but effective most of the time. Doolan looks good technically but needs to be a tad more dynamic at 3 and Smith continues to shine. No doubt having Uncle Shane wiping his box for him has got Pup back on track. Forget paint ball bruises, we all know they were Pups hickeys all over the Warne bodice.

So another week passes and no rain. If I am taking over your job on Sundays Sonny you better start delivering some of the liquid stuff. Or else I am keeping all of the plate takings for myself.

And get a better wine next time too eh. A nice Grange will do.

Another year closer to Retirement .

Posted: February 24, 2014 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

So, another year has passed and another year older. Noticed another 6 grey hairs this morning. Sadly they were growing out of my ears!

Has been a lovely few days. First up was a long weekend at Surfers Paradise staying at Sun City Mantra. My mantra these days is I hate people around me basically. Luckily we were on 18 th floor in a great 2 bed room apartment. Great views and not too many close by although sounded like a pack of rats were released in unit above about 6 pm every night for 2 hours. Very much family orientated place with pools and slides. Not often I say this but luckily the weather was pretty bad so not a lot of great unwashed to contend with. Plenty of time for the outdoor spa etc on first two cloudy, windy days @ NOSunCity. Last day the sun came out as did the hordes but still managed to get burnt lazing about the pool. Now I had had my fill of hot chlorine the first two days but somehow the ignorance of the group of assholes who sat in the spa for 6 hours with an esky nearby just annoyed me. Also treated to a lovely massage and head scratch for an hour on Saturday. In a dark room. With pan flutes. If I had not already had my Nanna nap that day I may well have drifted off. I do make it a rule generally though to stay awake when naked in a room with a strange woman. Just in case.

So Bday arrived and off to Brisvegas for the night at Mantra Southbank. So your basic hotel suite with a bed and not much else on 3 rd floor, remembering of course first two floors are not used. Now I must say the soundproofing in these rooms was superb. Could hardly hear CLP whining when I ” accidentally” locked her out. At least not for first two hours anyway. Met up with BC 2 at Ole Spanish Tapas bar just across the road. He is now inked up so there was a regular police presence ! The food was superb, especially the slow cooked lamb. Darool Darool. Spanish beer was ok too so look out Barcelona around October ! Even got dragged along to some Stuffed Animal exhibit – CLP s attempt at humour no doubt- at GOMA which was very good. The main call of Brisvegas though is dinner tonight at Stokehouse. CLP has pampered me indeed.

The best part is still to come though. Tomorrow I get to drop CLP off at work and laugh! Then on to Beachmere to see daughters x2 and Handsome Harry. Even Gpipes may pop in. Jas is with child and now knows the sex but that is for her to tell folk. Either way it is Grandchild 5 which means I must be old I guess. Maybe just lucky.

At this rate I should be able to retire any year now.

Tuesday TV Talk

Posted: February 18, 2014 in TV, Uncategorized

True Blood started off with a brilliant opening montage. The show was good at the start as well before it went gaga. Moving along the alphabet as one does from B we get to True C (the Campbell Newman story) but luckily we move on quickly to TD or in this case True Detective. An even better opening montage with the stunningly haunting music.

Its only 5 episodes in but already a standout especially after the game changing episode 5. MM has certainly lifted his acting game of late and deserves all the accolades but I do fear he may have taken some “Too Cool for School” acting seminars with the Goose Gosling. Only time will tell. For the time being sit back and enjoy an intelligent and gripping yarn.

Freaky Frank Underwood and Ice Cool Clare are back to entertain with second season of House of Cards – yank style. Same old shenanigans at present – 8 episodes in – but if this is your cup of tea as it is mine you wont be disappointed. Think West Wing without any likable characters. Speaking of CJ, Masters of Sex was an impressive first season once you past all the T&A. I have now seen all of Claudia Jean and not sure if can rewatch WW now ever again but she is very good in this as are the whole cast. I was a bit slow to the party but once got into it around ep 4 finished quickly. Luckily I was not part of the study!

Always on the lookout for the next bit of foreign TV to throw on after the excellent 3 seasons of Borgen and The Bridge Season 2 . Les Revenants was also impressive and keenly await the return of Braquo. The irish brogue can be hard to follow sometimes but not really enough to classify as foreign but if you like your drama on the gritty side check out Love/Hate. Next cab of rank is Salamander

Justified is solid as always but not quite back up to Season 3 standard. Hard to comment on a fave of mine The Good Wife given the way scheduling is screwed around. One episode – ok lets have a month off, no one will turn off. I wont, but plenty will. Same with The Mentalist – you get the folk back onside after ridiculous Red John nonsense and then disappear again for a month!

The US version of Rake was not too bad but quickly blown out of the water by return of the original Aussie production. The Moodys are back for some lightweight Aussie comedy but the comedic highlight each day at present of course is The Ice Stream with Roy and HG

And now to the epic fails.

Expecting The Following to suddenly appear believable in a second season is like expecting the next Arnie/Sly movie to be realistic. I am a sucker for these sort of shows and the first episode showed some promise but oh man has it got ridiculous. It simply intrigues me now – why is Bacon in it and how did it not get cancelled after first season?? Oh thats right we are on our 12th season of The Block! The big disappointment for me this season though is Girls. Not a rabid fan but first and second season were good . Third is not. And Lena Dunham gets a lot of plaudits for writing (ok) and having no body image issues. Good for her, important issue no doubt. But she goes too far. Here is a tip sweetheart – its ok to not look so good in a bikini but still wear it all episode. It looks kinda try hard though when no one else on the show is! You dont walk into town in a bikini.

So plenty of good shows to watch and fill in the gaps with sport and some Daily Show et al and the day pretty well takes care of itself.

Now I just have to work out at what time of day does one really need to change out of the PJs?

Monday Musings of the Sporting Variety

Posted: February 17, 2014 in Sport

So are The Aussies that good or are the Saffers an ageing team on the downslide? Bit of both methinks. Moustache Mitch has shown he is no one series wonder – the most impressive thing is he just so much smarter these days. Throws in wide balls(intentionally!), slow balls etc. Warner plays his luck, Doolan looks technically good, March knows what to leave. Rogers may struggle. Pups captaincy continues to shine. I suspect the second test will be a lot closer. No use Smith blaming the pitch – he won the toss! De Villiers is all class. Smith looked solid in second innings and was out to a brilliant catch. Rhino is struggling a bit for penetration – arent we all? – but is a class act and Larry, The Moe and Curly still hunt as a pack. We should win the series but expect next two to be more of a contest. If not than SAF is gone and needs to start rebuilding

Auckland Nines? Good fun for shits and giggles but means bugger all for the real stuff. What it does show is there a lot of big fast young guys not quite up to the real deal who we may never see again this year but damn they look good for 18 minutes. And Freddy was almost chased down by a front rower with a bung hip. Give it away Freddy. As a Bronco fan , still see more to like about Hoffman than Barber but cant see us keeping him. Corey Parker continues to shine.

Winter Olympics? Couldnt care less except it has bought back Roy and HG to our screens. I love technology. It only took about 5 minutes scouring the net to work out how to download the Ice Stream to watch at my leisure. Some events are interesting enough but if an Aussie cant win who really cares which really white person wins

Bubba wins again and actually remains calm under pressure. In fact he didnt even bawl as usual on the 18th green. Always fun to watch this California swing is with some classic courses – none better than Pebble Beach last week. Still some big names not playing but who cares really , its the contest we hackers enjoy. Especially when someone misses a 3 foot putt just like we do! The Funnel hung in for another win as well, always good to see.

And on a non sports related matter it would be nice to see the snow storms stop in NYC as will be there in a smidge over 12 months form now. Running through the rather excellent House of Cards season 2 does make one yearn a bit for Washington too I must say. Second city currently a toss up between Philadelphia and Washington – watch this space. Or not

Dinner for Eight

Posted: February 5, 2014 in TV

You didnt have to like Kerry Packer to like Kerry Packer. He was gruff and aloof – as if these are bad things! – but he didnt suffer fools and that included tax commissioners and Journalists. Like Paul K you didnt have to agree with everything they said but damn it was enjoyable listening to them say it. One memorable act of course was to ring up during the show and cancel Doug Mulrays Naughty Home Videos. Yes he was no doubt a bit prudish but he also recognised crap TV when he saw it. Which makes me wonder how he would feel about the current state of TV on his beloved Channel 9?

There is so much rubbish on at present that to single one out would be unfair but lets concentrate on two aspects which are linked anyway. The shameless promotion of their shows is one thing and really not sure having Slats outline the brilliance of The Block during the Cricket would win too many more fans. Lets face it if you watch that then you are not particularly choosy to start with. But the promotion of a story that will be aired separately in it own timeslot is simply pathetic. It was subtle to start with – “catch more about Lara Bingle’s inability to smile on Tonights 60 Minutes” but the recent nonsense with Shapeless Corby is simply deplorable. Having a Telemovie in the can ready to go is not justification to make her “possible release in the fullness of time” the lead story ya clowns! Not when you should have a reporter out 24/7 combing the streets looking for Thorpie! (Anyone else notice how nice his long time friend was?). Now yes those amongst you that think you are clever, but as yet unconfirmed by anything you actually say, would suggest well switch it off, change channels yada yada yada. But that is not the point. As we old age pensioners know routine is critical to existence like remembering to breathe in after you have breathed out. The 6 pm nightly news has been a fixture in my life for 50 years. Is it too much to ask that with 24 hrs in the day we can get some actual news and sport in 20 mins of it. Yes, correct you can shove your useless weather report up your ass. Its not as if we dont have enough fluff news already decorated as Today shows and the like. It is a sad state of affairs when pathetic TV continues to be produced because it rates well which simply is a reflection on the general intelligence level of the great unwashed. But then we see that every Election dont we.

Now some may think this is a Monday Moan cleverly disguised. And when I care what you think I will get back to you. But really there is logic behind the title. Use to be this game on TV before the news back in 1977. Pick you favorite dinner table of 8 if u could have anyone dead or alive. So here goes – see if u can follow the seque

Kerry Packer – just keep the food away from his reach
Paul Keating – of course, to control the rabble
Tina Fey – on my lap naturally
Chapelli – locker room yarns
Louis CK – for shits and giggles
Clunk Eastwood – to make me look younger
Elizabeth Banks – keep Tina on her game
Me

Not only am I best looking and smartest in that group but also the poorest.

Now there is an obvious omission but that is because I would keep him all to myself in a totally heterosexual way – Muhammad Ali.

Back when he could actually speak of course

Tuesday Tripping

Posted: February 4, 2014 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

Monday Moaning has had its time. Most things never change so they are old news. Somethings u simply change yourself – eg dont even bother with Maccas Drive Through at Gimpland. Stop, get out and get a better coffee anyway. And get some exercise

So what does a Tuesday bring us? Been a big week of sport for starters

Its coming out pretty well for Starc and he should just stick to Twenty Twenty cricket methinks. Great to see the Bear get another go and do well. Maxwell is fun but must be frustrating at times. Bailey can smash it when needed and some young guys like Lynn and Cutting show a bright future. England? Who cares really but it does demonstrate what we have always known – even the most gifted sportsmen are still human with human frailties. Factor in that most are not the sharpest tools in the box then once the slide starts its hard to stop. But damn it is fun to watch

Speaking of Poms going downhill fast how about the big wave rider over in Portugal – the first place I always think of when they say big waves. Really brave or really stupid is debatable but the guy who rides them in on the jet ski never seems to get a lot of credit – that seems rather dangerous in itself to moi

Super Bowl swamps most sports coverage and good luck to them but you will never catch me watching it in full. It is Yank excess in all its glory. Unexpected score line and a sad endpoint for Manning but thats sports folks. Some great golf too on two continents. Interesting as well with both courses on display both an oasis in the middle of desert which makes for some stunning images. The 16th hole at Phoenix of course has Yank Wank on full blast but those last 4 holes is one of the most exciting finishing stretches in golf. Stadler missed about 4 putts that should have sealed it and of course Bubba only has one way to play. Like Phil on steroids. With personality. At least Stads can look at Mum and know she never cheated on the old Walrus?

Which segues into some celebrity discussion.

Rowan Farrow? Yep he is Woodys son for sure! Did like his tweet though.

The Seinfeld “reunion” promised a lot but delivered little – but then it always was a show about nothing. And of course it should have been a Chrysler Le Baron.

Thorpie? Odd story to be found wandering around in the early am near parent’s house. Manager found out big time with his initial lame cover up. Hard for Joe Average to understand how he could slip when he had so much but then it is a disease. Not sure it is leading news item though which simply keeps the circle going

Which brings us to the sad news for the week – the passing on Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Another complex story that is hard to understand from the outside looking in. Lets just acknowledge it is a great loss to the world of acting. But nothing compared to the loss for his children

Flash on Foot Getting Coffee

Posted: January 30, 2014 in Travel

Several years ago CLP and I did the Monopoly walk in London – as you do. It was unique and fun. And Old Kent Road was a bitch to find! Many cities would have similar attractions I am sure so lets come up with something new for next year while freezing in NYC in February.

One of my fave web shows is Seinfelds “Comedians in Cars getting Coffee”. Not only does he invariably have great guests but he also travels around NYC having coffee. So the idea was planted. Next year try and visit as many coffee joints in NYC that Jerry has been to with guests. To be fair, this was really hatched while watching latest episode with my Tina. The chance that I may get to sit in the same seat as Tina is simply mind blowing. And strangely erotic. So now we have the Ansel Bakery (with Cronut!)on the list and also Floridita in Harlem. As my Tina says “The only reward for anything is Food”. Another advantage is I have a rough idea where Tina lives and have 10 days to spot her and give her my autograph.

Now to track back through previous episodes for Louis CK, Larry David etc. Of course none of this guarantees a good coffee – it is USA after all. Sometimes you just have to accept a brush with celebrity as your fix for the day and leave the caffeine for the desperate and lonely – you know, people without the internet.

The beauty of returning to favorite cities is discovering new ways to enjoy them

That is actually an original quote. Or subliminally planted. Feel free to requote and see what happens