Archive for August, 2015

Tuesday Thoughties

Posted: August 25, 2015 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

So Pup has finally left the kennel and the mongrel took winter with him! Suddenly our batsmen understood how to leave a ball outside off. Pup needed 220 runs to average 50 in test cricket and be considered a great but fell a tantalising 205 short to now be considered a “former captain and current Channel 9 commentator” in all future introductions. Siddle showed how to bowl with line and length and many may say where was he last test match? Dont matter mate when you get bowled out for 106 in the first innings! Before too long this series will simply be remembered as stated in the record books – a 3-2 loss on foreign soil. Jolly good effort chappies – here are some more bags of money for you. Sandwiched between a towelling in the West Indies and a flogging in Bangladesh, many test records will hardly be affected and the major problems apparent to blind Freddy will once again go unanswered. Why did England perform so badly? They are professional sportsmen simple as that – their minds and motivation work differently to normal folk

For more on this fascinating sub species lets move to NRL. As certain as a win in dead rubber in Test cricket was so is a cellar dweller beating a top contender when their season is over. These people are not the sharpest tools in the box and seem motivated by things that seem less important to us – than winning the premiership for example! These buffoons run around all year with no clear form guide but given a chance of picking up the wooden spoon, suddenly become world beaters. Manly were already thinking of next week when got cleaned up by Parra but Melbourne last night was simply inexcusable and Bellyache agreed. Broncs couldnt beat a depleted Roosters side which pretty well sums them up – close to the top but not quite there. Sticking with Roosters/Cowboys GF with Bulldogs the smokies. Of course it is hard to get much local NRL news these days with Boy Wonder Hayne catching a ball and running 20 yds in USA. Dont get me wrong, he looks good and should make the squad but with NRL almost over can we send Rabs over to commentate purleese. If I hear one more vegemite or kangaroo quip I will be physically ill – and not just from too much vegemite or Roo meat. If nothing else I will at least watch some more NFL this year it seems but has always been a very slow and complex game for moi.

Some media gooses seem shocked that Sydney and Melbourne have such a high numbers of clowns using the Ashley Maddison Stray Shaggers Site. In particular they refer to a “racy” city like Rio only coming (no pun intended) in 11th. Does this mean that Sydney is more racy than Rio? Of course not, I doubt Rio even has the internet. I think it says in general the folk in these Aussie cities are arrogant, lazy fools. No need to put in any effort to stray when I can just sign up with this app on my work provided phone. Mathematicians have looked at the sums and reckons that it implies that 15% of the active working male population in Melbourne has a profile. Luckily I was never an active worker. If 95% of subscribers are male does that mean that the 5% sheilas are very, very busy or that as usual about 90% of men are missing out ? Sao Paulo actually tops the list apparently – guess playing wet the biscuit there is still popular.

Who invented the term the “pub test” and can he or she please be shot immediately. The term itself is harmless enough but does grate when you hear someone like The Parrot or Karl Stuffanosepick use it regularly and that queasy vegemite feeling comes back. Could not imagine the last time those clowns were in a pub but glad I wasnt there as well. At least Jones has moved on from “struggle street”. Mind you if this current financial crisis deepens much more we may all be walking down Struggle street soon looking for a pub – and some cheap Chinese takeaway. Interesting to see how Tony et al deal with it

Dawn breaks on a New Day

Posted: August 17, 2015 in Sport

The Masters of Merriment – Roy and HG – dubbed Ian Baker Finch The Dark Shark in that wonderful Aussie way of mixing praise and derision in equal measure. The original GWS aka Greg Norman is likely the most famous, if not necessarily most accomplished, Aussie golfer of all time. Certainly the most talented and what he did, or didnt do, with that talent is the source for most ridicule. He also was a massive influence on the generation of Aussie golfers to follow especially Adam Scott. Much like how the WAGS lost us The Ashes it is clear that Mrs Scott and Scott Junior have similarly killed of Scotty’s career. God knows what he will do when he has to ditch the broomstick – or at least give it back to his wife 🙂 Having just spent a lovely weekend with the Flashman Five I do understand how younguns can distract one. They say any good golfer can win a Major but you have to be better than good to be a multiple winner. Of course the one tag you dont want is “best golfer to never win a Major” and this rotates around the usual suspects year after year. I do prefer the “How the hell did he ever win a Major” personally but the original is more fun. So every new Aussie star on the horizon is inevitably compared to GWS but no one has risen to his stature in the game. If you were to construct the supreme golfer of the Aussie variety you would take the course management of Peter Thomsen, driving of GWS, iron play of Scotty and putting stroke of IBF. This was of course when these players had their A Game and before IBF went wandering off into the bunda every second shot. Then Jason Day emerged and lo and behold if he doesnt just about match all those categories himself with the possible exception of course management which he may still learn one hopes. He is amazeballs long of the tee, high straight iron shots, great bunker play and a supreme putter. The last one cannot be underestimated – just ask Scotty and Sharkie!

His record in Majors before today is also rather amazing with a string of close finishes and 9 previous Top 10s. Of course when the “close finishes” start to pile up then the dreaded word “choker” will appear rather than “damn he is consistently good”. He had a handy, but not winning” lead before last round today of 2015 PGA at Whistling Straits GC on Lake Michigan – a stunning course to say the least. Of most concern was his nearest follower was the always dangerous Jordan Spieth who already had two Major wins this year. The turning point was probably the 9th when after a massive drive he hit a 100 yd shot 50 yds inexplicably. However he then proceeded to get up and down while Spieth bogeyed giving a handy lead for the back nine. So, he has finally reached the pinnacle his talent richly deserves and one can only hope from this lofty height his Vertigo does not kick in again! At 27 yrs of age he now has the chance to ice the cake and join the McIlroys and Spieths of the world rather than the one hit wonders like YE Yang! With his distance of the tee combined with that putting stroke the sky may well be the limit. He will never have the charisma of Sharkie but then he will likely only have one wife too eh. Speaking of which WTF was that Evert scene in the movie Trainwreck – talk about following the title to the letter!

In other sporting news I only have one question. Why has no one thought of putting our netballers in the Line Outs against the All Blacks. They are tall, can jump, and know how to beat kiwis! Broncs look good, Hayne going well, Kyrgios is an assclown – yep not a lot else changed

Having spent a lovely couple of days with Flashman Five I have nothing to moan about on this Monday but…….. been a bit of bad press lately for Uber and I have never used them so dont know the deal but I did use a Taxi on Saturday night in Brisvegas. Celebrating with CLP in Riverside and then caught a taxi home to Windsor. This is not far – as in barely got the seat belt done up when he had his hand out. Given there is almost $5 on the meter even when u open the door at a rank it soon adds up but really $21 for that distance! We really get ripped off here in Aussie land and that is why companies like Uber spring up , good or bad.

But lets not worry about these things now when there are so many pleasant memories from the weekend


So, a couple of shows have had their season finales so lets run the sliderule over the current state of play

True Detective 2

Help. Now in my advanced years I have taken to saving up slightly convoluted shows for a binge watch at season’s end so that my unicellular brain can cope. To say that TD 2 is slightly convoluted is like saying Pup slightly divided the average Aussie cricket fan. I watched the first 7 episodes in quick succession prior to yesterdays finale and didnt mind it too much but really was looking through some rosy glasses methinks. On reflection and after watching the finale it was a muddled mess of misery. Rolling Stone summed it up best for me. Ben Caspere, the murdered man at the heart of True Detective’s second season, got his eyes burned out with acid. To many viewers who stayed with the series to the end, he got off easy.. I was never as enamoured with season 1 as many and still think MM is vastly overrated as an actor and they would be hard pressed to match his woodeness in season 2. How wrong could I be. VV is ok and wasnt given much to work with while Col’n just mopes around mostly and McAdams gets down and dirty but mostly just dull. After FNL I thought Riggins would be the next big thing but whether it is poor choices or a charisma bypass he has been hopeless. However they all get Oscars compared to Reilly as VV’s current squeeze. She had to be taking the piss surely? As with the first season the highlight really is the opening montage and haunting theme.

Halt and Catch Fire 2

Now this is a good show as it chronicles development of the computer and technology through the 80’s. When it stays on track and stays away from the suds it is a great story and one certainly hopes there is a season 3 in the pipeline. The addition of Cromwell only helped an already strong cast. Cameron is Some Kind of Wonderful although not Mary Stuart Masterson somehow ? Until we know its fate will work my way through Mr Robot which is very modern day IT caper but looks good.

It was a sad week in a way with the end of Daily Show of the Jon Stewart variety. Devoted fans would know I was lucky enough to see his show for my birthday this year (as in be in actual audience, not just download and watch with a bowl of popcorn!). It leaves a gap in my satirical look at US politics which never fails to intrigue. Oliver is great but different and will be a different Colbert that returns, although undoubtedly entertaining. Noah may be good but much like Charlie Pickering V Mad as Hell it wont be the same but hopefully not as bigger a gap. Oliver invariably has at least one memorable segment per show but hard to beat this last effort – epsecially if you watched the whole show and saw the earlier bowling ad with Mike

There have been some new kids on the block – Brink has its moments but uneven while Ballers is poor despite the charm of The Rock. Second season of Murder in the First has been weak only saved by the nostalgia stirring views of San Francisco in the background. Really, every cop show in the world should be shot in SF. Or London…. There is though a more important show restarted last week for this old nostalgic fart. In the week that George Cole passed the final season of New Tricks starts and Terry finally exits with a two parter at start of Season 12. Long past the glory days of Arfur and Terry maybe but that is a bit spooky dont you think ? So lets end with one of the most iconic openings this little black duck remembers with much fondness. They dont make them like that anymore. Instead we get an hour long show with videos of cats being stupid ie being a cat.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Posted: August 8, 2015 in Sport

And can he take his bitch Warnie with him please!

So the greatest certainty since Sticky the Stick Inset got Stuck on a Sticky Bun is finally over. Now Puppy may not know his way around a batting crease but he does with a media circus. He fell on his own sword…….. and still only nicked it!! My practicing religion is Cynicism so lets look at the timing of his departure. The final 3 dayer will now be his last test match and that will be all that matters. There will be more praise flowing than a margarine convention on a hot day because while we love to cut down tall poppies we still love to throw a bit more fertiliser on their dying roots. Only one real question remains – can he score more runs in his final dig than the similar cement boot clad Punter did? (Memo to selectors no more nicknames starting with “P” for Aussie test captains please). His form this series has been bad but really for the last couple of years it has been up and down like a Nun in a cucumber patch (thanks Dabear!) and there could be a tinge of sadness that a once dominant batsmen ends up on the wrong side of 50, test batting average wise. That is one of those magical numbers that defines true greatness. Its not all doom and gloom of course because clearly the only reason that the Poms won this series was because of the Aussie coach they have! Which brings us to the burning question – can someone please detail what the KSCs are for the job of Aussie batting coach. Di Venuto?? Sounds like an italian ice cream that melts on exposure to air. Its like having Tony Abbott as Minister for Womens Affairs. Ha Ha , good one eh. What??? You have to be joking…. Lordy Lordy, take me now. Under all this jocularity though is a serious question facing the game’s administrators. How do you pay Watto 4 million a year to stand in dressing rooms shirtless when you are only getting 3 days of gate takings! A standard ticket for the Edgbaston test match was 90 quid which I think is $3,275 AU. It will always be the mugs that get slugged

Then of course there was the match last night that the whole of Australia sits on the edge of their seats for. It doesnt happen often and usually there is a clear favorite with a distinctive coloured jersey. It wasnt a great match but by the end of it there was a surprise winner! Yes  Parramatta beat the Panthers. Elsewhere in the city some wallabies beat some team from across the ditch with a patchy record at best. The Bledisloe cup is odd to say the least – how can you have a best of two series?? Once u win the thing its very hard to lose so when we travel to Land of Long White Cloud to play reverse “Game played in Heaven with Rules designed in Hell”, the kiwis will win and another year passes of what ifs and coulda beens. But back to the real game of footy aka NRL. Its a year when only a sheila could win the local tipping contest because form means nothing. Get the darts out or go for the old favourite theme of big animal always beats little animal. You know, Panther V Eel, Bronco V Bulldog……. hmm ok I give up.

Speaking of sheilas at least they know how to win. Forget cricket, how about those Netballers! And lets be honest they are our only hope in the dive in and dont sink caper in the wet stuff come Olympics and World Champs. And of course Tomic is clearly our best tennis player. Everywhere you look the girls are our only hope. Lets face it if one of them hadnt slipped a roofy into an apple all those years ago where would we be? And all from one rib. Imagine if he had used a femur ?

Apart from Adam falling over at regular intervals the world would be a different place eh.

Broadsided and then Rooted

Posted: August 6, 2015 in Sport

Where to start?? Maybe with a couple of Tossers before a ball was missed in ignorance

Warnie is a tosser whenever he does anything but sit down(offscreen) with a microphone and actually talk cricket so it was no surprise to see his awkward leering at the boot clod young lady trying to sing Jerusalem before start of play. But King tosser of course was Cook of the Not James variety. As said in previous media commitments the toss is usually very important and we all know this so dont need this beanpole coming out with crap like “it doesnt really matter it all depends who plays the best” . How come you couldnt bend down to get the coin because you had barred up after winning it?? Cricket 101 is win the toss and bat. Rider 101 , subset “Convicts”, Paragraph “Overpaid Wankers in White” reads “of course unless playing the Aussies in England”. This at least gave us the chance to grab a rare insight into the thinking of Puppy after a hard week. “What would you have done Champ if you had won the toss?” Mumble, mumble “Doesnt matter we didnt win”. Wow, riveting TV. I tell you what doesnt matter and that is where u bat in the order because ya better get your pads on now!

The sun was out now because it was 5 minutes later and now the commentators were thinking ” well this could backfire on Cook”. Collectively the masses back home sat glued to the TV waiting for our men to show some ticker and get through the first hour. Then something terrible happened. Yes England bowled the first ball. From there it was a steady procession of clowns that should all get into one of those ridiculously small cars and drive into the Thames. Mind you with their sense of direction they would probably miss. It was a smart move by Pup though to wear a black armband in memory of his dead captaincy. Sadly he also had three wrapped around his ankles it appears as he couldnt move his feet. Buck played an average shot, Smith tried to be aggressive, Warner got a great ball, Voges a great catch yada yada yada. But the worst really was our Captain. A streaky 4 followed by a skied pull shot even had Bronwyn thinking this goose cant last. But really the icing on the cake was the dismissal shot – could you ever imaging AB playing a shot like that in these circumstances, or even Waugh? Remember the great tribute to Hughes with the “Leave your bat out” campaign. The Aussie cricketers should leave their match payment outside the hotel in a campaign we could call “Leave the fucking ball outside the off stump alone you braindead muppet”. Or something. Bring back Watto, at least we would have an LBW rather than all of these catches behind the wicket!

So the Ashes are gone. I went to bed but apparently you could actually score runs on that pitch and the record I like is that Root scored the first century in Ashes history in a second innings on a first day. Think about that. You win the toss and are bowling – and at stumps you have also scored a century. If he didnt get one that night he just may be a virgin. Of course it also highlighted another odd decision – replace an allrounder with a batsman who invariably fails at this level. So basically defending 60, we were already a bowler short. You cant make this stuff up

Of course we all know, in two years time the Poms will come out and get skittled and the media will say the Aussie side is on the rise again. Its like Politics – if Labor were to win next election it is because Abbott was voted out. No one has fallen under the spell of Bill Curly suddenly. Test matches are not won anymore , they are lost by the other team.

And no one can lose a test match as quickly as this current mob. Seriously does anyone prebuy tickets to day 4 of test match anymore ? They should at least plan a couple of 20/20 matches for days 4 and 5. Hell, our batsmen may as well wear the coloured gear for the test matches and at least save some laundering.

Its a strange world when you think the Aussies have more chance of winning the Bledisloe Cup this year than an Ashes series in England.

Wait a minute…….. doesn’t Folau bat number 4 and bowl slow offies ??

And glad it is over!

Sporting wise it was a shocker. First up we have the flanneled fools brigade masquerading as highly paid TEST cricketers. No, did not leave the caps lock on accidentally. At least this time. As noted previously the first session of any test match these days largely determines the outcome of the match. Now Puppy ( yes he has been demoted) batted first as per Captaincy 101 unless the actual coin you tossed in the air was blown 30 feet away and landed in a lake at mid on. TEST batsmen know that you have to SURVIVE the first hour and maybe two because after lunch it is bread and jam with a good old game of hit and fetch Poms. Of course even the best batsmen will fall occasionally in these conditions and then we release the KRAKKEN aka Smith the Wunderkind. If he struggles then the laundry mistress knows she is going to need some extra stain remover that night for our creams. Then comes the middle order or as we in Aussie land have called it for several years now – The Bermuda Triangle. Seemingly proficient shield batsmen enter there and are never heard of again. Puppy has a million in loose change in each foot apparently as simply cannot move them. Much like Tiger Woods the media seems more interested at times in following his personal downfall rather than the rise of the next generation. The problems start at the top though especially now that Warner has taken over Watto’s role of reviewing plum decisions. Of course when he went up to ask Buck what he thought who really thinks Buck would have said “Of course it was out ya goose , piss off”. More likely ” Well Mr Warner you are the best best batsman in the world so of course you must try and review because we cant win without you” . As for our bowlers? I watched one good 4 over spell from Mitch but Lord knows what happened the rest of time especially when he started bowling from 24 yds! Starc is fragile both physically and mentally and Hazlewood needs a helpful pitch and we all know this one was a road – when we were bowling apparently!!

If you want a good laugh about cricket then you should follow this guy – his line about two teams who have both lost last test is classic

NRL wise the Broncos had a wake up call against Manly or more importantly the fans who have been touting an all QLD final for weeks now did at least . Lazo is a prize clown in the political arena but does know his footy so was interested to listen last week when he said it would be a Souths Roosters final and when pushed said he didnt think the Broncos halves were up to speed yet. Prophetic words. Personally I think it will be Roosters/Cowboys but that is discussion for another day. Like cricket most sport swings with momentum and this match was much like SOO3 where one team is simply blown off the park through energy, skill and a bit of luck and never get back. The Broncos were flat and their much praised defense lay back in wait and was found wanting – a worrying template for future opponents. What would be alarming for Clunk though would be to lose the second half as well and in fact leak more points. This will test all of his legendary man management skills but feel he just may come up a couple of cattle short of a full herd.

Tiger made a cut and the media world breathed a sigh of relief as he even manouvered into a threatening second position. Then came moving day and Tiger did – backwards. Last seen hanging around in the locker room looking for the answer to life, the universe and everything. Yes he is currently in position 42 with household names like Huh , Reifers and Hahn. Not going to enter into the Goodes debate as their are some valid points on both sides and it is only AFL afterall and has already taken up enough newsprint and airwaves

TV wise Netflix continues to deliver with its “original” series of Wet Hot American Summer – which is actually a prequel to the 2001 movie of the same name. The movie was rather dull but was of interest for the number of future – and some current – stars making up the numbers. The first appeal of this 6 episode bingefest is that all the stars return – and a couple more. This is silly indeed but also fun with Banks being the best of the returning cast but the addition of Hamm was smart casting if for no other reason than to see Don and Roger together again, if never in same scene. Hamm is becoming synonymous with these goofy roles and one does wonder what his next serious effort will be but in the meantime simply sit back and enjoy. Wig was tragically underused while the insertion of Reagan worked well. Finished first season of The Knick during the week and it was a quality and interesting medical period drama.

One feels we are entering the last throes of winter here so must enjoy the next couple of weeks while they last. Cool nights and warm clear days are hard to beat. Perfect for that little nanna nap post lunch. Only one problem though with Old Whiskers

Can you stop with the yips off the coast of Hervey Bay at that time purleese! Movement in bed only confuses moi.