flashman181

The Masters of Merriment – Roy and HG – dubbed Ian Baker Finch The Dark Shark in that wonderful Aussie way of mixing praise and derision in equal measure. The original GWS aka Greg Norman is likely the most famous, if not necessarily most accomplished, Aussie golfer of all time. Certainly the most talented and what he did, or didnt do, with that talent is the source for most ridicule. He also was a massive influence on the generation of Aussie golfers to follow especially Adam Scott. Much like how the WAGS lost us The Ashes it is clear that Mrs Scott and Scott Junior have similarly killed of Scotty’s career. God knows what he will do when he has to ditch the broomstick – or at least give it back to his wife 🙂 Having just spent a lovely weekend with the Flashman Five I do understand how younguns can distract one. They say any good golfer can win a Major but you have to be better than good to be a multiple winner. Of course the one tag you dont want is “best golfer to never win a Major” and this rotates around the usual suspects year after year. I do prefer the “How the hell did he ever win a Major” personally but the original is more fun. So every new Aussie star on the horizon is inevitably compared to GWS but no one has risen to his stature in the game. If you were to construct the supreme golfer of the Aussie variety you would take the course management of Peter Thomsen, driving of GWS, iron play of Scotty and putting stroke of IBF. This was of course when these players had their A Game and before IBF went wandering off into the bunda every second shot. Then Jason Day emerged and lo and behold if he doesnt just about match all those categories himself with the possible exception of course management which he may still learn one hopes. He is amazeballs long of the tee, high straight iron shots, great bunker play and a supreme putter. The last one cannot be underestimated – just ask Scotty and Sharkie!

His record in Majors before today is also rather amazing with a string of close finishes and 9 previous Top 10s. Of course when the “close finishes” start to pile up then the dreaded word “choker” will appear rather than “damn he is consistently good”. He had a handy, but not winning” lead before last round today of 2015 PGA at Whistling Straits GC on Lake Michigan – a stunning course to say the least. Of most concern was his nearest follower was the always dangerous Jordan Spieth who already had two Major wins this year. The turning point was probably the 9th when after a massive drive he hit a 100 yd shot 50 yds inexplicably. However he then proceeded to get up and down while Spieth bogeyed giving a handy lead for the back nine. So, he has finally reached the pinnacle his talent richly deserves and one can only hope from this lofty height his Vertigo does not kick in again! At 27 yrs of age he now has the chance to ice the cake and join the McIlroys and Spieths of the world rather than the one hit wonders like YE Yang! With his distance of the tee combined with that putting stroke the sky may well be the limit. He will never have the charisma of Sharkie but then he will likely only have one wife too eh. Speaking of which WTF was that Evert scene in the movie Trainwreck – talk about following the title to the letter!

In other sporting news I only have one question. Why has no one thought of putting our netballers in the Line Outs against the All Blacks. They are tall, can jump, and know how to beat kiwis! Broncs look good, Hayne going well, Kyrgios is an assclown – yep not a lot else changed

Having spent a lovely couple of days with Flashman Five I have nothing to moan about on this Monday but…….. been a bit of bad press lately for Uber and I have never used them so dont know the deal but I did use a Taxi on Saturday night in Brisvegas. Celebrating with CLP in Riverside and then caught a taxi home to Windsor. This is not far – as in barely got the seat belt done up when he had his hand out. Given there is almost $5 on the meter even when u open the door at a rank it soon adds up but really $21 for that distance! We really get ripped off here in Aussie land and that is why companies like Uber spring up , good or bad.

But lets not worry about these things now when there are so many pleasant memories from the weekend

And can he take his bitch Warnie with him please!

So the greatest certainty since Sticky the Stick Inset got Stuck on a Sticky Bun is finally over. Now Puppy may not know his way around a batting crease but he does with a media circus. He fell on his own sword…….. and still only nicked it!! My practicing religion is Cynicism so lets look at the timing of his departure. The final 3 dayer will now be his last test match and that will be all that matters. There will be more praise flowing than a margarine convention on a hot day because while we love to cut down tall poppies we still love to throw a bit more fertiliser on their dying roots. Only one real question remains – can he score more runs in his final dig than the similar cement boot clad Punter did? (Memo to selectors no more nicknames starting with “P” for Aussie test captains please). His form this series has been bad but really for the last couple of years it has been up and down like a Nun in a cucumber patch (thanks Dabear!) and there could be a tinge of sadness that a once dominant batsmen ends up on the wrong side of 50, test batting average wise. That is one of those magical numbers that defines true greatness. Its not all doom and gloom of course because clearly the only reason that the Poms won this series was because of the Aussie coach they have! Which brings us to the burning question – can someone please detail what the KSCs are for the job of Aussie batting coach. Di Venuto?? Sounds like an italian ice cream that melts on exposure to air. Its like having Tony Abbott as Minister for Womens Affairs. Ha Ha , good one eh. What??? You have to be joking…. Lordy Lordy, take me now. Under all this jocularity though is a serious question facing the game’s administrators. How do you pay Watto 4 million a year to stand in dressing rooms shirtless when you are only getting 3 days of gate takings! A standard ticket for the Edgbaston test match was 90 quid which I think is $3,275 AU. It will always be the mugs that get slugged

Then of course there was the match last night that the whole of Australia sits on the edge of their seats for. It doesnt happen often and usually there is a clear favorite with a distinctive coloured jersey. It wasnt a great match but by the end of it there was a surprise winner! Yes  Parramatta beat the Panthers. Elsewhere in the city some wallabies beat some team from across the ditch with a patchy record at best. The Bledisloe cup is odd to say the least – how can you have a best of two series?? Once u win the thing its very hard to lose so when we travel to Land of Long White Cloud to play reverse “Game played in Heaven with Rules designed in Hell”, the kiwis will win and another year passes of what ifs and coulda beens. But back to the real game of footy aka NRL. Its a year when only a sheila could win the local tipping contest because form means nothing. Get the darts out or go for the old favourite theme of big animal always beats little animal. You know, Panther V Eel, Bronco V Bulldog……. hmm ok I give up.

Speaking of sheilas at least they know how to win. Forget cricket, how about those Netballers! And lets be honest they are our only hope in the dive in and dont sink caper in the wet stuff come Olympics and World Champs. And of course Tomic is clearly our best tennis player. Everywhere you look the girls are our only hope. Lets face it if one of them hadnt slipped a roofy into an apple all those years ago where would we be? And all from one rib. Imagine if he had used a femur ?

Apart from Adam falling over at regular intervals the world would be a different place eh.

Where to start?? Maybe with a couple of Tossers before a ball was missed in ignorance

Warnie is a tosser whenever he does anything but sit down(offscreen) with a microphone and actually talk cricket so it was no surprise to see his awkward leering at the boot clod young lady trying to sing Jerusalem before start of play. But King tosser of course was Cook of the Not James variety. As said in previous media commitments the toss is usually very important and we all know this so dont need this beanpole coming out with crap like “it doesnt really matter it all depends who plays the best” . How come you couldnt bend down to get the coin because you had barred up after winning it?? Cricket 101 is win the toss and bat. Rider 101 , subset “Convicts”, Paragraph “Overpaid Wankers in White” reads “of course unless playing the Aussies in England”. This at least gave us the chance to grab a rare insight into the thinking of Puppy after a hard week. “What would you have done Champ if you had won the toss?” Mumble, mumble “Doesnt matter we didnt win”. Wow, riveting TV. I tell you what doesnt matter and that is where u bat in the order because ya better get your pads on now!

The sun was out now because it was 5 minutes later and now the commentators were thinking ” well this could backfire on Cook”. Collectively the masses back home sat glued to the TV waiting for our men to show some ticker and get through the first hour. Then something terrible happened. Yes England bowled the first ball. From there it was a steady procession of clowns that should all get into one of those ridiculously small cars and drive into the Thames. Mind you with their sense of direction they would probably miss. It was a smart move by Pup though to wear a black armband in memory of his dead captaincy. Sadly he also had three wrapped around his ankles it appears as he couldnt move his feet. Buck played an average shot, Smith tried to be aggressive, Warner got a great ball, Voges a great catch yada yada yada. But the worst really was our Captain. A streaky 4 followed by a skied pull shot even had Bronwyn thinking this goose cant last. But really the icing on the cake was the dismissal shot – could you ever imaging AB playing a shot like that in these circumstances, or even Waugh? Remember the great tribute to Hughes with the “Leave your bat out” campaign. The Aussie cricketers should leave their match payment outside the hotel in a campaign we could call “Leave the fucking ball outside the off stump alone you braindead muppet”. Or something. Bring back Watto, at least we would have an LBW rather than all of these catches behind the wicket!

So the Ashes are gone. I went to bed but apparently you could actually score runs on that pitch and the record I like is that Root scored the first century in Ashes history in a second innings on a first day. Think about that. You win the toss and are bowling – and at stumps you have also scored a century. If he didnt get one that night he just may be a virgin. Of course it also highlighted another odd decision – replace an allrounder with a batsman who invariably fails at this level. So basically defending 60, we were already a bowler short. You cant make this stuff up

Of course we all know, in two years time the Poms will come out and get skittled and the media will say the Aussie side is on the rise again. Its like Politics – if Labor were to win next election it is because Abbott was voted out. No one has fallen under the spell of Bill Curly suddenly. Test matches are not won anymore , they are lost by the other team.

And no one can lose a test match as quickly as this current mob. Seriously does anyone prebuy tickets to day 4 of test match anymore ? They should at least plan a couple of 20/20 matches for days 4 and 5. Hell, our batsmen may as well wear the coloured gear for the test matches and at least save some laundering.

Its a strange world when you think the Aussies have more chance of winning the Bledisloe Cup this year than an Ashes series in England.

Wait a minute…….. doesn’t Folau bat number 4 and bowl slow offies ??