Broadsided and then Rooted

Posted: August 6, 2015 in Sport

Where to start?? Maybe with a couple of Tossers before a ball was missed in ignorance

Warnie is a tosser whenever he does anything but sit down(offscreen) with a microphone and actually talk cricket so it was no surprise to see his awkward leering at the boot clod young lady trying to sing Jerusalem before start of play. But King tosser of course was Cook of the Not James variety. As said in previous media commitments the toss is usually very important and we all know this so dont need this beanpole coming out with crap like “it doesnt really matter it all depends who plays the best” . How come you couldnt bend down to get the coin because you had barred up after winning it?? Cricket 101 is win the toss and bat. Rider 101 , subset “Convicts”, Paragraph “Overpaid Wankers in White” reads “of course unless playing the Aussies in England”. This at least gave us the chance to grab a rare insight into the thinking of Puppy after a hard week. “What would you have done Champ if you had won the toss?” Mumble, mumble “Doesnt matter we didnt win”. Wow, riveting TV. I tell you what doesnt matter and that is where u bat in the order because ya better get your pads on now!

The sun was out now because it was 5 minutes later and now the commentators were thinking ” well this could backfire on Cook”. Collectively the masses back home sat glued to the TV waiting for our men to show some ticker and get through the first hour. Then something terrible happened. Yes England bowled the first ball. From there it was a steady procession of clowns that should all get into one of those ridiculously small cars and drive into the Thames. Mind you with their sense of direction they would probably miss. It was a smart move by Pup though to wear a black armband in memory of his dead captaincy. Sadly he also had three wrapped around his ankles it appears as he couldnt move his feet. Buck played an average shot, Smith tried to be aggressive, Warner got a great ball, Voges a great catch yada yada yada. But the worst really was our Captain. A streaky 4 followed by a skied pull shot even had Bronwyn thinking this goose cant last. But really the icing on the cake was the dismissal shot – could you ever imaging AB playing a shot like that in these circumstances, or even Waugh? Remember the great tribute to Hughes with the “Leave your bat out” campaign. The Aussie cricketers should leave their match payment outside the hotel in a campaign we could call “Leave the fucking ball outside the off stump alone you braindead muppet”. Or something. Bring back Watto, at least we would have an LBW rather than all of these catches behind the wicket!

So the Ashes are gone. I went to bed but apparently you could actually score runs on that pitch and the record I like is that Root scored the first century in Ashes history in a second innings on a first day. Think about that. You win the toss and are bowling – and at stumps you have also scored a century. If he didnt get one that night he just may be a virgin. Of course it also highlighted another odd decision – replace an allrounder with a batsman who invariably fails at this level. So basically defending 60, we were already a bowler short. You cant make this stuff up

Of course we all know, in two years time the Poms will come out and get skittled and the media will say the Aussie side is on the rise again. Its like Politics – if Labor were to win next election it is because Abbott was voted out. No one has fallen under the spell of Bill Curly suddenly. Test matches are not won anymore , they are lost by the other team.

And no one can lose a test match as quickly as this current mob. Seriously does anyone prebuy tickets to day 4 of test match anymore ? They should at least plan a couple of 20/20 matches for days 4 and 5. Hell, our batsmen may as well wear the coloured gear for the test matches and at least save some laundering.

Its a strange world when you think the Aussies have more chance of winning the Bledisloe Cup this year than an Ashes series in England.

Wait a minute…….. doesn’t Folau bat number 4 and bowl slow offies ??

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