flashman181

Its Just Not Cricket

Posted: August 4, 2013 in Sport

Ok the Poms will likely wrap up the Ashes tonight barring a miracle – not referring to the weather but rather the chance that the Poms will show any respect for the game. They will be deserved winners not because they are better than the Aussies, they just haven’t played as poorly. But the real issue for moi is when did they start rorting the rules so blatantly? Its not that the Aussies or other teams have not done similar things but rarely has there ever been such a collective run of dog acts in such a short space of time. You only have to look at the MCC crowd at Lords to know that some English still think cricket is the domain of Gentlemen. Their cricket team does not sadly. Now everyone loves a winner and most of all the British press who have rubbished their under performing sportsmen with gay abandon. Maybe that wears after a while. The poor umpiring has only added to another wasted opportunity one imagines for the erratic Pupdom. Its no secret that for the final days play the English batsmen are not in the nets practicing but rather watching the Iraqi soccer team practice falling down and feigning injuries. If the match gets tight expect Stuart Broad to trip over the boundary rope on way out to bat requiring medical attention for 20 minutes. He then strains his groin while taking middle – another 20 minutes. Finally he pretends to lose a contact lens – even though he doesn’t wear them – another 20 minutes. So how to fix international cricket and specifically The Ashes because that is all we care about? Glad you asked

Flash’s Fantastic Four Fixes to the Fuckup

1. Slow play. If you cant bowl within 10% of the expected over rate the remaining overs are multiplied by the batting run rate and added to total at end of day/innings

2. Substitute fielders. What happened to the 12th man? England started the whole specialist substitute crap – just ask Punter. The 12 th man goes on end of story. If in a wheelchair, the opposing captain has nominated 3 players at start of tour to be on standby from county/shield teams to be used in emergency

3. Neutral Umpires? Forget it, pick the best available. Have a neutral third umpire if you must but he must have a current Opticians Certificate and authourised access to his bank accounts. If the third umpire makes a mistake 50 runs are either added to or subtracted from team total depending on error and he is banned for rest of year.

4. DRS. Watto cant use it whether batting or bowling. Period!

You know it makes sense. On Sept 7 vote 1 Flash

Rainy Days and Tuesdays

Posted: July 30, 2013 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

Normally no problem filling in a rainy day as it usually involves Golf for the afternoon at least! But I just checked – and its only Tuesday so how does a reduntiree fill in an overcast drizzly Tuesday? Glad you asked

1. The Wait. One thing more certain than the “cheque is not actually in the mail” is that Tradesmen rarely turn up on time. Had decided to get two windows replaced as glass was like me – old and cracks showing. Informed they would be done yesterday afternoon but of course turned up late and only got one done. “Dont worry mate, will be back in the morning definitely before lunch” . Who the fuck knew that Tradesmen have their lunch at 4 pm in the afternoon?? And of course while waiting for mine have the clown visiting Tradesman across the road with the Van parked in the driveway for an hour with the radio blaring as usual!!So while waiting…..

2. The Game Lords and Knights continues to fill in the day even though Peacetime reigns at present in Flashville. Time to rebuild the stocks and freshen up the whores. Its a slow process and so to fill in the downtime a bit of Candy Crush. I have a new conspiracy theory that doesnt involve JFK (who they are now saying was also shot by a Secret Service agent??)but rather companies like Zynga, Playdom and King. Do they actually block resource requests to friends in the hope you will give up and pay out instead?

3. The TV Show Online forums are often populated by antisocial sheep molesters but still throw up some gems occasionally including a show you had never heard of. This weeks entry is Love/Hate – at times referred to an Irish The Wire. Unlikely but it will bloody well do for now. Its tough and gritty but sadly no subtitles. 3 seasons available already which is always great and a 4th season coming soon. As Molly would say “Bend Over and close your eyes” Oops wrong quote. “Do yaself a favour” Thats better.

4. The Doco Saving Ronald Reagan Devoted followers would know of my fascination with all things US Presidential and Reagan is an interesting study. But this is all about the assassination attempt, how close he came to death, the amazing fact they didnt know he had been shot for a significant time, the agonising search for the bullet fragment in his lung and the cockup by the remaining staff in the White House. It was a riveting 90 minute even with the totally unnecessary re enactments.

5. The Book The Kill Room Latest Lincoln Rhyme novel – always a safe bet

So throw in a quick gym visit followed by morning coffee as the sun rises and the obligatory 7 toilet visits and the day fills itself in really

But people who dont keep appointments and dont phone piss me off big time. You have been warned.

The Long Hot Summer

Posted: July 19, 2013 in Sport

Oh how we could do with Ben Quick now. He knew all about revenge and barn burning.

Or at least another quick to support Ryan Harris. Dont want to say I told ya so. But I did.

The 11 white-flanneled Prima Donnas masquerading as a touring cricket team, while secretly just hanging around for the baby shower, are embarrassing. Everyone fell under the magic spell of Ashton Agar and it was a good story but really said more about the Poms poor bowling to him than anything else. Dont get me wrong I like the lad but he has had his moment in the sun – literally can it just fucking rain please!! – and the rest of the series will never reach the same heights. It just papered over yet another batting collapse by our top order. Can we just refer to them as middle order batsmen and declare the “Top Order” as “To Be Filled” in future? There is a certain circularity to this batting nonsense though. The ACB jams the summers with 20/20s and one day matches as they are the money earners which then allows them to overpay these clowns who then cant perform at test level because they have become sloggers from playing too much pyjama cricket. It would be funny if it wasn’t our national team and we weren’t losing to the Poms.

Beefy suggested 10 blot with tongue firmly in cheek. No one is laughing now. This team simply has no class batsmen with ticker – Pup may be the exception.

Thurston, Smith, Slater. Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist. Do I need to draw a picture folks? Great teams need a spine – in more ways than one.The go to men when the going gets tough. When the going gets tough over in England Watto reaches into the bag for some more hair gel. Seriously he should be banned from using any hair product until he scores at least a 50. Rogers is tradesman like, Hughes streaky at best and the rest who cares. Ian Bell batted longer than the whole Aussie side! Can we please bring Warner back in , if for no other reason than to punch Broad in the head.

Bowling is a bit better but really that is like saying Syphilis is better than Herpes. Now from memory, Dolly the Sheep was cloned in Scotland which is pretty close. Can we just duck up there with Rhino and run of a couple of copies for the third test? Lets face it, we know he will break down again soon. If nothing else, at least catch some Open Golf. Haddin’s wicket keeping should not go unnoticed either – his combination with Watto at first slip is poor. Cant blame him I guess not wanting to get to close to that clown.

We do the simple things wrong because it is simple people doing it. No balls for example. And dont mention DRS – stick to the bloody war please. I say we only ever play India and then the DRS is a non issue

So it is hard to say what is pissing me off more – the dismal effort of our cricketers or the fact that England is having glorious weather while our renowned glorious Qld winter has been a shambles.

No you are right of course, it is neither.

Its those bloody arrogant weather forecasters who still cant get it right.

8 is Great but 9 will be Divine

Posted: July 17, 2013 in Sport

So another SOO series is cracked, boxed and buried and the juggernaut rolls on. Another close series giving NSW some hope but ultimately tears before bedtime. This all conquering Maroon team is blessed with some superstars that have a familiarity and combination only years of success playing together brings. The spirit is never better displayed than in backs to the wall defense. The much vaunted attacking prowess is always alluded to but it is invariably the defense that wins the series. There will be an awesome attacking display, bordering on invincible, in one game of the series (Game 2 , 2013) when it all clicks. There will be that one game when NSW biased media get on the perch claiming, but secretly only hoping, that the end is in sight (Game 1, 2013) but more often than not this a reflection more of the combined IQ of any team of footballers , including QLD, isnt going to hit any great numbers and they need the good old fashioned wake up call to step up a gear. Then there will be the grinding game on a knife edge which all comes down to try line defense at critical times (Game 3, 2013) and this is where the Maroons turn up year after year. Loz will get another crack you would imagine but dont be surprised , especially if that magic and scary number of 10 is in the frame, that Gus is not bought back for 2015. It may take the Opera House to entice him but no expense will be spared. Because if Qld continues to dominate into another decade then we are back in the 70s man.

So lets run the slide rule over a few players

Slater tried hard in last two games but was well contained. Tate and Boyd do everything good wingers have to do. Inglis only had one good game in the second and was totally missing in Game3, apparently injured( Note to Mal – if he is injured get him off!), whereas Hodges had a blinder in Game 3. Thurston was missing in one, brilliant in 2 and patchy in 3 but is always the x factor. Cronk improved as the series went on although his kicking game largely went missing in the second half of Game 3 when needed in the tense times. The pack was solid with Scott probably the standout and Myles ready to go to pasture. Parker was the other consistent player while the bench all added much needed zip. Still not sure that Cherry Evans , as good a halfback as he may be, added anything but raw enthusiasm when he came on. Papali is a definite star of the future

As for NSW, well the Pearce experiment at half back must be over surely. They have some big young boppers in the pack that will continue to improve and likely terrorise in the future. Dugan is definitely Origin material but then they did miss Haynes who had a stellar first game. The Morris boys are all class and Farrah gave his best. This team can beat Qld but it likely wont be next year when there are two games at Lang Park

And finally,The Streaker. Its all fun and games this morning but he could have affected the outcome of the game. They need to send a clear message to these pests and morons and give him a jail sentence. Maybe some of the security detail should joining him for impersonating an officer

So all we need now is an Aussie test win at Lords and The Dark Shark triumph at Muirfield.

And Kate to have that bloody baby so we can get back to the real news!

Gold Class – Pass or Fail?

Posted: July 14, 2013 in Movies

Devoted followers would be aware of my general aversion to attending any gathering of the great unwashed involving more than 2 people. As such trips to the cinema are very rare and exclusively limited to Gold Class sessions. Now in this particular instance there was a $100 voucher from GC2 used and CLP picked up the food and drink tab so it was cost neutral for moi but we are still talking about an event running close to 200 large in expenditure and that is the figure central to this discussion.

Now the voucher was a 2012 Xmas present so it has taken 6 months just to get to even GC. The movies of choice were either Man of Steel or Heat – an apparent easy choice but maybe not in hindsight. So we went for MOS – and it was rubbish. CGI destruction fest with a wandering story. When the scenes involving Costner are the highlight of a movie you know there are some issues. I am a child of the 60/70’s and I like me Supes with a secret identity and Lois Lane a virgin. Of course the actual movie is of limited significance in this discussion

So it didnt start well when we turned up at midday expecting a 12:30 session only to realise it was actually a 13:10 session. Still this is why God invented alcohol and the time passed relatively quickly. GC afficionados would know that you pre order food and drink – at elevated prices – to be served during the movie while you are luxuriating in your recliner chair. So we chose the Carnival Platter – also known as Heart Attack in Batter – priced at $55 to come out in first 30 minutes of movie along with a Corona and a glass of bubbles and then requested a Devonshire tea type thingy for the last half hour of the movie – or in this case 14:30. Now these tickets cost a total of $85 (with booking fee!) as it was a weekend. Now this is pricey but does tend to keep your bogans at bay so even in a crowded cinema no crowd control is generally required. The previews started, a couple of ads and then the movie began. Within 5 minutes we had our drinks. Tick! It then took another 25 minutes for the actual hot food – as in “nice to have with a cold drink” – to come out! Ok, no big drama as the sensory attack emanating from the screen was generally controlling my existence at present. So a Wagu beef burger, some onion rings and a few buffalo wings ( Note: – if buffalos have wings why cant they fly?) and we were rocking along and spreading our feast over a suitable time period while Gladiator suddenly reappeared despite being dead right? Anyway with still a few delectables left to munch on – our Tea and Coffee turns up! WTF. Supes hasnt even planted one on LL yet. Suffice to say some of our $55 platter went to waste. The good news though is that MOS finally ended and there was still one building in the far distance left standing. Probably a MacDonalds.

So there was a bad taste in our mouths for more reasons than one. However there are lessons to be learnt and while this session may have got a fail, GC in general is still a great concept for the anti-social movie lovers that walk amongst us. Just keep a couple of tips in mind

1. Dont go on weekends – prices drop down to $25 on Tuesday

2. Avoid fatty fried food. A glass of wine and a cheese platter is sufficient for War and Peace

3. Dont try for multiple feeding sessions. Just pick one time for everything to come out and stick to it

4. Avoid Zach Snyder CGI fests

Death and Taxes – An Update

Posted: July 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

Old Benny F was a wise old man – except for that nonsense about flying kites in electrical storms. Although not original he is also associated with the well know phrase

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes

As that was a couple of hundred years ago I was pondering are there a few extras we can add. Of course there are

1. An Aussie batting collapse on first day of a Test Match. Now Blind Freddy – as opposed to old crippled Freddy Flintoff – knows that if the English side circa@2013 can be bowled out for 215 Boof’s Boys are going to struggle to make 150.

2. There will be outrage at any fisticuffs in State of Origin – but the footage will be shown 24/7 in promotional buildup to the next game. Note – this is totally different to Fisting which the Blues team only do behind closed doors

3. The Wallabies Scrum will collapse into a shambles when the pressure is on. Lineouts and Mauls to a lesser degree.

4. Little Leyton will beat a well ranked player early in a Major tournament only to lose to a nobody the next round. Sam Stosur has a Travelling Psychologist (with couch) on call 24/7.

5. The Socceroos will continue to make World Cups but never beyond last 16

6. La Tour de Frog will enthrall first couple of days until casual followers realise it goes on for 3 months. If an Aussie cant win our interest plummets daily

7. There will be at least 3 blockbusters released every year based on a comic Superhero – and only one will be any good. Still waiting circa@2013

8. The Yanks will remake a hugely successful OS show only to see it flop because a) it is terrible and b) Yanks are simple folk (though lovely of course)

9. Every time Kruddy is elected to PM he will be very popular – for about 2 months. After that – see “Aussie Batting Collapse”

10. Tomorrow’s Weather forecast will be wrong

Thou Shall Not

Posted: July 2, 2013 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

The government tried to get a lot of legislation through in its likely last days of sitting. But they missed some golden opportunities to fix this country. After 6 months of reduntiring I have a different view on some things so here is my list of new laws required to help Kruddy along. Lets face it he already parted the Red Sea – from her job

1. Roadworks. When you have to slow down at roadworks where there is actually no work being done you gain special points which can be subsequently used to offset any demerits accrued while speeding through actual roadwork

2. Speeding. With the introduction of the reduced “allowance” for over the speed limit to reflect aussie made speedometers we also introduce same fines for anyone travelling 5 K below speed limit

3. Dogs. All dogs are allowed 5mins barking per kg per day. Beyond that they are put down or their owner. Owner can choose

4. News bulletins. Any news bulletin that refers to another show also on same channel within the context of reporting “news” loses all advertising revenue accrued for length of bulletin. ABC simply fades to black. Additionally all morning “news infotainment” crap is removed from broadcasting and so called media “personalities” shot at dawn instead , one day at a time

5. Weather Forecasting. No weather forecasts are to be broadcast where the forecast period extends beyond the next 12 hrs. All registered users will receive an email every morning with “Bureaus Best Guess” for that day

6. Checkout chicks and Hairdressers are not allowed to speak to paying customers

7. Government will supply one free coffee every morning to all citizens along the old school milk principle of the 1960s

8. Any Australian Tennis Player that makes the third round of a major tournament receives a trophy

9. English Bowlers are not allowed to swing the cricket ball

10. Two State of Origin Matches are played at Lang Park every year. It is the worlds best ground and we all want a 20 year dynasty

You know it makes sense.

The Numbers Game

Posted: June 25, 2013 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

Parents to be can now relax, the Flashman Foursome is just around the corner. May go straight to print, an iPad app or a Reality TV show. One thing for sure is that road to my future is now gold paved after this takes off.

Was lucky enough to spend time with my 4 wonderful grandchildren over the last few days. Let me start off by saying what great parents my kids, and their spouses, have become. I sit back in awe at times to see how they have developed. Nature and instinct are amazing things. Now the kids range in age from 6 weeks to just shy of 4 so for the sake of simplicity lets just go with 0, 1,2 and 4. As the 6 week old is the only gal in the group gender bias will have to wait for Version 2 as we all know that the worrying and scary feminine traits only develop later in life when interacting with the male of the species. So why foursome? The 4 things parents should worry about are : how well do they sleep, how easy to feed, how hard to entertain, how scary to care (babysit) for? At the end each age group gets their Flashman Index™ and then you plan your life. All scores out of 10

Ground Zero

They sleep a lot but often in short or long bursts. A solid 9. Feeding doesnt get any easier – as long as you have a lactating woman on call 24/7. In deference to what women say about sore lady parts and feeling like a cow lets give it a 8. At this age they are usually sleeping, feeding or bawling. Get some ear muffs and strong arms and back and you will get by . They are easily distracted by bright shiny things but it is temporary 7. Ok can be a bit scary to look after ( without aforementioned necessary appendages) especially for the male of the species. One of those areas where maternal instinct really kicks in but across the board only a 5. Total 29

One

By this age we may still have good nights sleep and one or two daytime naps for that much needed break. Then we have to factor in teething which can bring all that to a grinding halt. 5 at best. They are now on solids of sorts but have also discovered the joy of throwing food. Easy to please though 8. They can sit, crawl and just about stand by now so they are rather easy to entertain but move from one thing to another. TV not really a viable option yet 7. Moderately easy to look after although you will have moments of non communication when all you get is crying and no words 8. Total 28

Two

Interesting age often referred to as the Terrible Twos. Down to one afternoon nap by now and if dont get it look out. Will usually sleep ok at night but can be up early and raring to go 7. Its a growing phase so tend to eat well but can throw a tantrum or two and we are only advanced to basic words by now, the most popular one being, of course, NO. Call it a generous 7. By now they have discovered the joys of books and TV so there are plenty of options but attention span can suffer. 7. Caring for can be tricky if one of those tantrums kick in and the frustration grows on both sides as you cant decipher the grunts in correct order. Usually still nappies involved. This age really is the Jekyll and Hyde stage 6. Total 27

Four You may snag the odd afternoon nap break and will sleep through the night but can be hard to get to bed on time. 8. By now they can get picky at meal time and it can be a struggle as they can out stare you by now and have discovered the word “stubborn”. 6. Entertaining is pretty easy with so many options but you need to be fit as these kids can run all day. TV is the safe, though not ideal, option. 8. Caring for 4 year olds is a fairly safe, if tiring , option. There is usually Kindy or similar “break time” available and then we have swimming lessons, gazoo lessons yada yada yada 9 Total 31

So not surprisingly the older or younger the better – the gap years can be the tricky ones. And why would you care? Well you are planning an OS trip and wonder what is the best age to travel with kids? Tickets to the Opera? Dinner Party planned? Sex orgy?

Its all in the planning folks.

Especially with Sex Orgies. Apparently.

Guilty Pleasure

Posted: June 19, 2013 in TV

No, not chocolate. Anything that tastes that good should never be associated with guilt. Its winter time folks and its a proven fact we all need some extra kilos for survival of the species. You cant fight Science. I am referring to that one TV show you watch every week that you may not admit to in public. Luckily this is a totally private blog.

There have been many in the past. Hell, I use to watch Number 96 although to be fair I didnt control the remote in those days. Come to think of it I suspect we had to get up and change the channels manually! Use to get up at 4 in the morning and lick the road clean………. Anyway at least all that exercise allowed us to eat more chocolate. I even got sucked into Eastenders for a few months over 10 years ago while recording for a friend. My story and I am sticking to it. Luckily went Cold Turkey and survived. Amazingly watched 5 minutes last week and bloody Ian is still there!! But the 2013 entry is

Offspring Now this is not a soap like Eastenders but it aint exactly Breaking Bad. Have always liked Asher Keddie although more often than not on this she borders on annoying. Kat Stewart provides most of the laughs but for me its just great to see people like Waters and McDonald pretty well doing anything these days. And I cannot get the opening title song out of my head. I watch so much heavy drama that some fluff like this just fills the bill once a week. These shows have a finite life as well demonstrated by Packed to Rafters which is Dead Man Walking at present. Have not watched since Uncle Harry starting going loopy. Apparently he still is on that journey 12 episodes later. Just end it now ok. The secret to the appeal of these shows is usually the secondary cast which are invariably “quirky” and Offspring is well served here. Its a feel good show with no unique elements but rather a good mix of the proven winners. Only time will tell if it continues to amuse or should be packed up and shoved up in the rafters with the rest of the past expiry date rubbish that populates our screen most nights.

Phil the Dill?

Posted: June 17, 2013 in Sport

Another US Open passes and all us weekend hackers can reflect on a great course that humbled the games greatest players and all made us feel that just that little more human. I played in the Maryhole 36 hole Foreskins on the weekend and the pressure was enormous if totally self inflicted. That is golf for you and if you dont play it at an even slightly competitive level (eg weekend club competitions) then you have no perception of it’s peculiar hold and read no further

“Choking” or whatever you want to call it is a fascinating thing aint it. I always thought Adam Scott had the current title – until his superb nerveless effort in The Masters. Phil has won his share of majors but his game doesnt suit the US Open simple as that – and good luck to him. As he reclines in his private jet tonight he will feel down – but it will pass 🙂 Instead of jumping all over Phil maybe people should start asking questions about “former Number Ones” like Luke Donald and Lee Westwood? You could say Rose had choked in the past. If any of you play golf we all know the pressure of a 3 foot putt – to win a beer! These guys are supreme mental athletes and occasionally it comes together but many times it doesnt. That doesnt really make them chokers, just susceptible to pressure like anyone else. Sharkie was probably the best “choker” of recent times but still the best golfer to watch play …… and then Phil came along to fill the void 🙂

So lets just rejoice in the fact that Phil was in the mix so was on the screen a lot of the time. He has the personality of a cart path – I imagine – and the folksy tip of the hat and Billy Bob grin at times is nauseous but he provides great theater and that is what golf needs. Not Tiger front and centre strutting the course

Other points of interest?

Jason Day is the real deal. He will win a major. John Senden wont.

The Masters remains the supreme Golf viewing event of the year – but damn if the US Open doesnt warm the cockles of a hacker’s heart