Its Just Not Cricket

Posted: August 4, 2013 in Sport

Ok the Poms will likely wrap up the Ashes tonight barring a miracle – not referring to the weather but rather the chance that the Poms will show any respect for the game. They will be deserved winners not because they are better than the Aussies, they just haven’t played as poorly. But the real issue for moi is when did they start rorting the rules so blatantly? Its not that the Aussies or other teams have not done similar things but rarely has there ever been such a collective run of dog acts in such a short space of time. You only have to look at the MCC crowd at Lords to know that some English still think cricket is the domain of Gentlemen. Their cricket team does not sadly. Now everyone loves a winner and most of all the British press who have rubbished their under performing sportsmen with gay abandon. Maybe that wears after a while. The poor umpiring has only added to another wasted opportunity one imagines for the erratic Pupdom. Its no secret that for the final days play the English batsmen are not in the nets practicing but rather watching the Iraqi soccer team practice falling down and feigning injuries. If the match gets tight expect Stuart Broad to trip over the boundary rope on way out to bat requiring medical attention for 20 minutes. He then strains his groin while taking middle – another 20 minutes. Finally he pretends to lose a contact lens – even though he doesn’t wear them – another 20 minutes. So how to fix international cricket and specifically The Ashes because that is all we care about? Glad you asked

Flash’s Fantastic Four Fixes to the Fuckup

1. Slow play. If you cant bowl within 10% of the expected over rate the remaining overs are multiplied by the batting run rate and added to total at end of day/innings

2. Substitute fielders. What happened to the 12th man? England started the whole specialist substitute crap – just ask Punter. The 12 th man goes on end of story. If in a wheelchair, the opposing captain has nominated 3 players at start of tour to be on standby from county/shield teams to be used in emergency

3. Neutral Umpires? Forget it, pick the best available. Have a neutral third umpire if you must but he must have a current Opticians Certificate and authourised access to his bank accounts. If the third umpire makes a mistake 50 runs are either added to or subtracted from team total depending on error and he is banned for rest of year.

4. DRS. Watto cant use it whether batting or bowling. Period!

You know it makes sense. On Sept 7 vote 1 Flash

  1. AardvarkOz says:

    As much as I like your alliteration Flashers, I cannot agree with your solutions in toto. Let me explain:
    1. Can’t be done, messes with the stats, or do you add the runs to extras? In any case, hit the pockets. There is already a provision in the laws for fining the team captain and even going so far as to suspend them for a match or two. You can be sure that Cook would push his bowlers along. The umpires have to take control of the game.
    2. Yep, the Poms are absolute cheats with this aspect. The law is in place for genuine injury concerns, not because the bowler is a bit puffed after a marathon spell of three overs. So, you have a medic accompany the fielder coming off and escort him to the medical centre/room, fix him up and then either take him to hospital or send him back onto the field. End of story.
    3. Tricky one, but I agree with you. It’s outrageous that only four of the so-called ICC elite panel are available for the Ashes.
    4. Totally agree

    I have another solution for the current problems. It’s called my radish theory. I thought of it whilst watching the Reds play and being frustrated by wayward kicks. My thinking is that everytime when a player does a shit kick then the coach rams a radish up his bum at the next training session. He could even wave a radish from the sideline to remind players of the consequences of their stuff-ups. The same could apply to DRS umpires who totally screw up (e.g., Khawaja!)

    Keep up the good work mate!


  2. flashman181 says:

    So why wasn’t Cook fined then? Most of my rumblings are tongue in cheek of course but yes I would add it to the extras.

  3. AardvarkOz says:

    Ha! No fine because the ICC has no balls! (which is shame when the sport is a ball-game, ha ha!)

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