flashman181

It was a strange day. Devoted followers would know I rank the final 9 at Augusta as the TV Sporting spectacle of the year. The only thing that could make it better – apart from an Aussie winner – would be to have a wild man of golf in the lead and ready to implode. We had Bubba folks – the current first choice for a roller coaster ride. Given that John Daly cant make the field any more of course. Please note a roller coaster is not same as a meltdown ala Sharkie circa 96. It was rainy outside. I had my coffee. I had my All Bran. The phone was off the hook. A thrilling 3 hours lay ahead. Or did it?

What happened? Bubba was calm. He cried at the end of course but apart from that it could have been Jim Furyk out there. Ok a very long hitting version admittedly. There were a couple of college kids chasing, a 50 yr cigar smoking Spaniard, a 54 yr old Augusta favourite and of course Billy Bob Aw Shucks Kuchar. Scottie did his best Sharkie impersonation by birdieing the last hole when it meant absolutely zero. Glorious weather in a superb setting – but a rather dull finale. Dont take anything away from the skill on display. The two younguns were rather superb. Buuba was in full control. One rather strange decision for second shot on 15 gave us all hope for some disaster lurking – but it was all a big tease.

One expected with the demise of Tiger in recent years we would see the second rung stars take over but really tipping a US PGA event these days is like tipping NRL 2014! You would have got long odds on Bubba on Thursday – despite some good form – and lets not think of the odds for Bubba winning twice in three years! Most events this year have been won by young guys and even first timers. Aussies have fared well of course which is great to see. Sendo was never going to hang on and Scotty has faded a few times now. No you cant call him a choker after last years Masters. But the professional golfer does make for a fascinating study of their psyche. They can simply trasnform overnight from a world beater into an also ran and no one can pinpoint what is different.

Foxtel coverage was hopeless so quickly switched to Seven Mate which was fine. Except it was a bit scary. I dont watch FTA TV anymore so to be exposed to ads for upcoming shows that night was terrifying. To think that people actually watch this crap by choice left me fearful for the nation.

Then I watched an interview with Joe Cockey (aka Chicken Little) on Insiders and certain dread set in.

Lets kick off with two golf tournaments from last weekend. First up we had the Splits playing a Singapore Sling and the Funnel had it under control – right up until the last hole. She would have made Sharkie proud with her brain fade on the first playoff hole and this was luckily overshadowed by the miraculous eagle putt by Cream my Jeans a hole later. Then we had the potato farmer Rory play a superb second to the last hole at the Honda Classic, after an earlier collapse, with all that remained was a glory filled 12 footer for eagle and win . He missed. Same hole for playoff, similar position for second shot but went through green and a lousy chip later and all over red rover. The Bear trap claimed another victim. This weekend looks like another pearler on Trumps Blue Monster (as opposed to the red monster which is his wig). Another tough course, another great finish coming no doubt. Tiger may actually be in contention so will probably have to check later in the day to see who actually won given the cameras wont leave the striped one all day.

Then we had the Gentleman’s game of cricket. Yep I almost gagged on that one too. Pup’s agent told him, look mate everyone including me hates you. Get some mongrel in the young dog. I know tell some hated Pom(a Melbourne Cup field admittedly) that you will break their fucken arm or something. Hey it worked, your approval rating soared to double digits just below Rose Corby. More work needed – abuse some Saffers when you already have your foot on their throat. Ca ching Ca ching. Make sure you get The Ghost Who Porks – yep Warnie – to come over for the last test too so the cameras have something to focus on during the slow periods. As to the actual cricket? Warner batted very well but simply needs to shut the fuck up. Smith looks like the kid who would get a regular beating in school yard every lunch time but emerged as the true rising star. Great on Rhino for sealing the deal and even when Mitch doesnt get wickets he still bowls sensibly. Doolan looks good technically but needs a dynamic injection if batting number 3. Sadly all the good stuff is over shadowed by simply appalling on field behaviour.

Then we have the NRL kick off. Rabbits look world beaters but then it is only the start of the season – been there done that. GI looks massive and the players just seem bigger and faster each year. Until you get to the next game with the Broncs and Bulldogs. If Barba stays fit the Broncs can make the 8 but it wont matter much at end of season except Hook probably keeps his job. Looks like 4-6 sides in contention and daylight second. Hoffman is not five-eighth but is a great player and has to be somewhere. Vidot looks the goods but they need a kicker and Hunt is not it at present. Broncs hang tough but lack the wow factor – Hodges will help but they need to sell something and get a quality half back for 2015. Maybe Locky’s voice box up on Ebay? Maybe Matthew Johns contract. Fair dinkum that guy is trotted out on 17 shows a week. He just isnt that funny anymore. Of course the only sad news about return of NRL is reappearance of that cockhead Waterhouse in my life and the constant yabbering about bets. Which is only slightly worse than Rabbits giving us his expert view on how great a show Fat Tony is. Lordy Lordy, stick to footy fellas.

There was probably other sport but there is only 24 hrs in a day and I need my beauty sleep. If I look this good on 6 hrs sleep a night imagine what 7 or 8 could do??

Luckily dont have the sound of rain on roof to keep me awake

Not since 03 anyway.

So are The Aussies that good or are the Saffers an ageing team on the downslide? Bit of both methinks. Moustache Mitch has shown he is no one series wonder – the most impressive thing is he just so much smarter these days. Throws in wide balls(intentionally!), slow balls etc. Warner plays his luck, Doolan looks technically good, March knows what to leave. Rogers may struggle. Pups captaincy continues to shine. I suspect the second test will be a lot closer. No use Smith blaming the pitch – he won the toss! De Villiers is all class. Smith looked solid in second innings and was out to a brilliant catch. Rhino is struggling a bit for penetration – arent we all? – but is a class act and Larry, The Moe and Curly still hunt as a pack. We should win the series but expect next two to be more of a contest. If not than SAF is gone and needs to start rebuilding

Auckland Nines? Good fun for shits and giggles but means bugger all for the real stuff. What it does show is there a lot of big fast young guys not quite up to the real deal who we may never see again this year but damn they look good for 18 minutes. And Freddy was almost chased down by a front rower with a bung hip. Give it away Freddy. As a Bronco fan , still see more to like about Hoffman than Barber but cant see us keeping him. Corey Parker continues to shine.

Winter Olympics? Couldnt care less except it has bought back Roy and HG to our screens. I love technology. It only took about 5 minutes scouring the net to work out how to download the Ice Stream to watch at my leisure. Some events are interesting enough but if an Aussie cant win who really cares which really white person wins

Bubba wins again and actually remains calm under pressure. In fact he didnt even bawl as usual on the 18th green. Always fun to watch this California swing is with some classic courses – none better than Pebble Beach last week. Still some big names not playing but who cares really , its the contest we hackers enjoy. Especially when someone misses a 3 foot putt just like we do! The Funnel hung in for another win as well, always good to see.

And on a non sports related matter it would be nice to see the snow storms stop in NYC as will be there in a smidge over 12 months form now. Running through the rather excellent House of Cards season 2 does make one yearn a bit for Washington too I must say. Second city currently a toss up between Philadelphia and Washington – watch this space. Or not

Yes I am already sick of all the clever word byplay on that simple phrase – the Urn Returns

3 up after 3? Sounds like a normal morning at the Proctologists. But were we brilliant or were the Poms hopeless? Or maybe a bit of both.

Ok just wait while I whip this out. Ah thats better. Time to run the slide rule over our cricketers

Little Davey Warner use to have to sit in the corner. Now he is having regular sex with a hottie he has something to do with himself at night and his batting has improved 300 %. He could always hit the ball but now he knows when to leave them too. Clear mind and a regular draining will do that. Rogers still looks like he should be in Peter Jacksons next epic and is one of those average players being carried along by a winning team but he is solid in batting and more than capable in the field. And he makes Watto look even more handsome. Which is good because Watto’s actual batting has been mostly ordinary except when he wandered in like the school bully and bludgeoned a quick century of a hapless bowling attack a couple of days ago. Now there is undeniable talent there both with bat and ball but oh man what is in that head? His crazy dismissal after the whirlwind century pretty well sums up the enigma wrapped in a riddle that is Watto.

Pup on the other hand continues to shine both as a batsman and captain to the point where probably less than 50% of Aussies dislike him now. That may go back up of course if we have to look at Mrs Pup anymore times after Pup scratches his balls or does something else useful on the field. Pretty sure Channel 9 are grooming her for an on camera roll in the future. There could be a joke there about comparing cracks in pitches but that is way too smutty for this esteemed publication . Smith looks like he should have been at the Pipeline this week but has a certain charm and certainly some talent. He needs to bowl more to cement his place. Haddin of course has been the revelation – superb batting and great keeping. The only two aspects of Matt Priors game letting him down sadly.

The bowlers hunt well as a pack and while the Moustached one grabs most of the headlines he would be first to admit it is a team effort. But Mitch has bowled very well and even with half a brain at times. Harris and Siddle are perfect foils of course – keep things tight with the occasional jaffa. They have strangled the opposition by drying up the runs. Lyon has also shone at times and seems assured of a regular place for many tests to come. Although there could also be a role for him in the next movie The Hobbit Also Turns

As for England? Root looks the goods. Bell is all class. Stokes has potential. Much like previous great sides the rest are probably on the downslide and it will be a tough couple of years cleaning out the debris. Just ask Australia

So the Ashes return to their rightful place which of course fills every Aussie fan with joy.

Why you may ask? Obvious really. Now that the actual cricket is sorted at last we can get down to the most critical question facing Australia cricket followers for decades

Can it be true??

Are Warnie and Liz finally finished?? One can only hope.

Time of death 11:50 am. Watson edges to Swann in the slips.

Big early call? Yep. To me the first session of the first test in the series is critical. In the good old day Aussies would be 1-100. Somewhere in between 1 or 2 down for 80-100 is par for an even session. 2 down or more and less than 80 on the board – the bowling side won the session. But why is this session so important?

In most professional sports there are 3 common factors. The first two are the importance of MOMENTUM AND PERCEPTION. If you hold momentum naturally you wont lose. England had it most of the day after 11:50 am until about 4 pm. Good fightback certainly and that is where perception comes in – so important for Australia to get 300 on board and not 299 for example. And this ties into the third intangible factor – professional sportsmen are not the sharpest tools in the box. Yes there are some exceptions. By that I mean some are really really dumb! . So if Poms roll us for under 300 they will forget they let us off the hook. If we make 300 we will forget our middle order is as threatening as the QLD labor opposition. But the batsmen wont. They will know they blew a golden chance on an obvious belter and the seeds of doubt for rest of series planted. The Pommy bowlers will also know that in any session in future series an Aussie batting collapse may just be around the corner. And they hold the Ashes and have won last couple of series. Australia won the toss and needed to assert authority straight away. They couldnt and now the whole series is at risk. So lets run the slide rule over the players.

Rogers – looked nervous, never settled
Warner – in touch, left balls well. Meek ending sadly
Watson – middled about 30% of shots, never looked in form, more intent on defense
Pup – like Punter, very susceptible early in innings. Expect more short stuff
Smith – useful allrounder but not a number 5. Good for 30-40 runs most times
Bailey – too early to say but dont think we have found Mr Cricket Mark 2 yet
Haddin – seems best when under pressure. Good shot selection
Johnson – naturally gifted player and stroke maker. His bowling usually benefits from good batting
Rest – who cares

Bowlers – Broad and Anderson are a good double act. Think JA is better bowler but Broad got the bikkies today. That happens. Pity though that Broad did succeed from an Aussie point of view because suspect he could be psychologically vulnerable. At present he has the last laugh. Tremlett looks like Captain America. Root provides Warnie with his “charming larrikin” material in the commentary box

So another important first session today but mainly to see if Moustache Mitch can bring the goods with ball in hand. The bowling looks good but you need a big score to defend. And of course there is always the Brisbane November weather to consider later in the match. Australia may yet salvage something out of this game but they really wanted and needed a decisive win which looks very remote at present

One thing the Poms certainly do better than us is the commentary team. Thank Me they bought Bumble out. Warnie is a prize tool but is good in the commentary box. Laconic Chapelli rounds out a useful trio. The rest should just go make a cuppa. Strangely Mr Crickets dynamic personality does not translate well to TV – who would have thunk

Ok the Poms will likely wrap up the Ashes tonight barring a miracle – not referring to the weather but rather the chance that the Poms will show any respect for the game. They will be deserved winners not because they are better than the Aussies, they just haven’t played as poorly. But the real issue for moi is when did they start rorting the rules so blatantly? Its not that the Aussies or other teams have not done similar things but rarely has there ever been such a collective run of dog acts in such a short space of time. You only have to look at the MCC crowd at Lords to know that some English still think cricket is the domain of Gentlemen. Their cricket team does not sadly. Now everyone loves a winner and most of all the British press who have rubbished their under performing sportsmen with gay abandon. Maybe that wears after a while. The poor umpiring has only added to another wasted opportunity one imagines for the erratic Pupdom. Its no secret that for the final days play the English batsmen are not in the nets practicing but rather watching the Iraqi soccer team practice falling down and feigning injuries. If the match gets tight expect Stuart Broad to trip over the boundary rope on way out to bat requiring medical attention for 20 minutes. He then strains his groin while taking middle – another 20 minutes. Finally he pretends to lose a contact lens – even though he doesn’t wear them – another 20 minutes. So how to fix international cricket and specifically The Ashes because that is all we care about? Glad you asked

Flash’s Fantastic Four Fixes to the Fuckup

1. Slow play. If you cant bowl within 10% of the expected over rate the remaining overs are multiplied by the batting run rate and added to total at end of day/innings

2. Substitute fielders. What happened to the 12th man? England started the whole specialist substitute crap – just ask Punter. The 12 th man goes on end of story. If in a wheelchair, the opposing captain has nominated 3 players at start of tour to be on standby from county/shield teams to be used in emergency

3. Neutral Umpires? Forget it, pick the best available. Have a neutral third umpire if you must but he must have a current Opticians Certificate and authourised access to his bank accounts. If the third umpire makes a mistake 50 runs are either added to or subtracted from team total depending on error and he is banned for rest of year.

4. DRS. Watto cant use it whether batting or bowling. Period!

You know it makes sense. On Sept 7 vote 1 Flash

Oh how we could do with Ben Quick now. He knew all about revenge and barn burning.

Or at least another quick to support Ryan Harris. Dont want to say I told ya so. But I did.

The 11 white-flanneled Prima Donnas masquerading as a touring cricket team, while secretly just hanging around for the baby shower, are embarrassing. Everyone fell under the magic spell of Ashton Agar and it was a good story but really said more about the Poms poor bowling to him than anything else. Dont get me wrong I like the lad but he has had his moment in the sun – literally can it just fucking rain please!! – and the rest of the series will never reach the same heights. It just papered over yet another batting collapse by our top order. Can we just refer to them as middle order batsmen and declare the “Top Order” as “To Be Filled” in future? There is a certain circularity to this batting nonsense though. The ACB jams the summers with 20/20s and one day matches as they are the money earners which then allows them to overpay these clowns who then cant perform at test level because they have become sloggers from playing too much pyjama cricket. It would be funny if it wasn’t our national team and we weren’t losing to the Poms.

Beefy suggested 10 blot with tongue firmly in cheek. No one is laughing now. This team simply has no class batsmen with ticker – Pup may be the exception.

Thurston, Smith, Slater. Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist. Do I need to draw a picture folks? Great teams need a spine – in more ways than one.The go to men when the going gets tough. When the going gets tough over in England Watto reaches into the bag for some more hair gel. Seriously he should be banned from using any hair product until he scores at least a 50. Rogers is tradesman like, Hughes streaky at best and the rest who cares. Ian Bell batted longer than the whole Aussie side! Can we please bring Warner back in , if for no other reason than to punch Broad in the head.

Bowling is a bit better but really that is like saying Syphilis is better than Herpes. Now from memory, Dolly the Sheep was cloned in Scotland which is pretty close. Can we just duck up there with Rhino and run of a couple of copies for the third test? Lets face it, we know he will break down again soon. If nothing else, at least catch some Open Golf. Haddin’s wicket keeping should not go unnoticed either – his combination with Watto at first slip is poor. Cant blame him I guess not wanting to get to close to that clown.

We do the simple things wrong because it is simple people doing it. No balls for example. And dont mention DRS – stick to the bloody war please. I say we only ever play India and then the DRS is a non issue

So it is hard to say what is pissing me off more – the dismal effort of our cricketers or the fact that England is having glorious weather while our renowned glorious Qld winter has been a shambles.

No you are right of course, it is neither.

Its those bloody arrogant weather forecasters who still cant get it right.

So another SOO series is cracked, boxed and buried and the juggernaut rolls on. Another close series giving NSW some hope but ultimately tears before bedtime. This all conquering Maroon team is blessed with some superstars that have a familiarity and combination only years of success playing together brings. The spirit is never better displayed than in backs to the wall defense. The much vaunted attacking prowess is always alluded to but it is invariably the defense that wins the series. There will be an awesome attacking display, bordering on invincible, in one game of the series (Game 2 , 2013) when it all clicks. There will be that one game when NSW biased media get on the perch claiming, but secretly only hoping, that the end is in sight (Game 1, 2013) but more often than not this a reflection more of the combined IQ of any team of footballers , including QLD, isnt going to hit any great numbers and they need the good old fashioned wake up call to step up a gear. Then there will be the grinding game on a knife edge which all comes down to try line defense at critical times (Game 3, 2013) and this is where the Maroons turn up year after year. Loz will get another crack you would imagine but dont be surprised , especially if that magic and scary number of 10 is in the frame, that Gus is not bought back for 2015. It may take the Opera House to entice him but no expense will be spared. Because if Qld continues to dominate into another decade then we are back in the 70s man.

So lets run the slide rule over a few players

Slater tried hard in last two games but was well contained. Tate and Boyd do everything good wingers have to do. Inglis only had one good game in the second and was totally missing in Game3, apparently injured( Note to Mal – if he is injured get him off!), whereas Hodges had a blinder in Game 3. Thurston was missing in one, brilliant in 2 and patchy in 3 but is always the x factor. Cronk improved as the series went on although his kicking game largely went missing in the second half of Game 3 when needed in the tense times. The pack was solid with Scott probably the standout and Myles ready to go to pasture. Parker was the other consistent player while the bench all added much needed zip. Still not sure that Cherry Evans , as good a halfback as he may be, added anything but raw enthusiasm when he came on. Papali is a definite star of the future

As for NSW, well the Pearce experiment at half back must be over surely. They have some big young boppers in the pack that will continue to improve and likely terrorise in the future. Dugan is definitely Origin material but then they did miss Haynes who had a stellar first game. The Morris boys are all class and Farrah gave his best. This team can beat Qld but it likely wont be next year when there are two games at Lang Park

And finally,The Streaker. Its all fun and games this morning but he could have affected the outcome of the game. They need to send a clear message to these pests and morons and give him a jail sentence. Maybe some of the security detail should joining him for impersonating an officer

So all we need now is an Aussie test win at Lords and The Dark Shark triumph at Muirfield.

And Kate to have that bloody baby so we can get back to the real news!

Another US Open passes and all us weekend hackers can reflect on a great course that humbled the games greatest players and all made us feel that just that little more human. I played in the Maryhole 36 hole Foreskins on the weekend and the pressure was enormous if totally self inflicted. That is golf for you and if you dont play it at an even slightly competitive level (eg weekend club competitions) then you have no perception of it’s peculiar hold and read no further

“Choking” or whatever you want to call it is a fascinating thing aint it. I always thought Adam Scott had the current title – until his superb nerveless effort in The Masters. Phil has won his share of majors but his game doesnt suit the US Open simple as that – and good luck to him. As he reclines in his private jet tonight he will feel down – but it will pass 🙂 Instead of jumping all over Phil maybe people should start asking questions about “former Number Ones” like Luke Donald and Lee Westwood? You could say Rose had choked in the past. If any of you play golf we all know the pressure of a 3 foot putt – to win a beer! These guys are supreme mental athletes and occasionally it comes together but many times it doesnt. That doesnt really make them chokers, just susceptible to pressure like anyone else. Sharkie was probably the best “choker” of recent times but still the best golfer to watch play …… and then Phil came along to fill the void 🙂

So lets just rejoice in the fact that Phil was in the mix so was on the screen a lot of the time. He has the personality of a cart path – I imagine – and the folksy tip of the hat and Billy Bob grin at times is nauseous but he provides great theater and that is what golf needs. Not Tiger front and centre strutting the course

Other points of interest?

Jason Day is the real deal. He will win a major. John Senden wont.

The Masters remains the supreme Golf viewing event of the year – but damn if the US Open doesnt warm the cockles of a hacker’s heart

No, not that rubbish movie series. Its State against State, Mate against Mate. COAG??? Nope State of Origin ya goose

There are only 2 significant sporting events in the calendar year. Augusta Masters and SOO. Never have we snapped the quinella for Qld . Never have our chances been so good as 2013. Then Loz had to stick his nose into it didnt he. And what a nose. Now its easy to hate Sticky AKA The Angry Ant AKA Carlos Smierson AKA Games Greatest Thinker. Its impossible to hate Loz. I tried I really did

The night did not start well. I accidentally caught the last 5 mins of The Block. Someone was inflating a blow up pool. People watch this crap???? Then the usual 40 minutes of Channel 9 drivel. Ok the first segment with Tyrion Lannister saying he had never seen a Blues team win was amusing. I have never seen a Dragon (Red Ranga not withstanding) . We are even. I am no Gus the Goose fan but at least he has some cred. What the fuck did that clown Ken Sutcliffe ever do on the Sporting field. At least Tom Waterhouse has vowed to pull back from being on TV. Hey wait a sec isnt that ………

Now Qld’s two greatest strengths are also its two biggest weaknesses. They are so relaxed and unfazed they only wake up when 10 points down. When they actually decide to play they can score quite easily as demonstrated by the ease of the Boyd try set up by the very unusual site of Hodges running from dummy half. But in the first half it was like someone dropped the keys to the Inglis boat in the middle of the ground and they all decided to bunch together in the middle and help look for them. At least they all had a leak before play. The second thing of course is the renowned loyalty. The Dads Army jibe was not far off the mark. We looked slow in the middle. Did anyone else notice how things picked up when Parker (no spring chicken) and Teo came on? They actually ran hard and offloaded. So Qld has to lose a series because it is the only way people like Myles and Harrison will pass on. Even if do or die for the third one we will pick the same players who have been there before. We invented the Pick and Stick plan and it works well – up to a point. We will lose a series soon though because of it

Before the match Greg Bird said how he loved Queensland to live in but was a true blue which is kinda fitting because he plays like a QLD forward from the good old days – Axe 2 maybe? He and Lewis were superb and Hayne was all class at the back. Gallen smacked Myles around a bit – likely deserved – and then had a good old whinge and whine to the ref about something that happened in 1981. I dont mind Gallen actually. In fact I dont really hate any Blues player – except maybe Haynso. JT was far from 100%. Not an excuse, simply an observation

I do hate the NSW biased media though. Its like the POMS. Kick their ass around from sunup until sundown for 10 years and nothing. They win one series and suddenly ya cant shut them up. If and when NSW win this year it should take about 5 minutes until the first mention of the word “dynasty” drivels forth. But it is like the cricket in a way where we will clearly lose The Ashes this year. Its only sport folks. Its not The Red Wedding or anything life-changing. And that is good, because the one thing I know at the end of any sporting disappointment is where I live and where I wake up in the morning

QUEENSLANDER