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Ah Queensland Summers ( yes we skip Spring apparently) dont you just hate them? Its either blistering hot or else huddled in the corner with a candle as lightning and thunder descend from above. Not that we get many storms “Under the Dome” here in Maryhole. It really is a Catch 22 for moi. Generally I like rain because I can justify staying indoors all day and it cools the place down. Not good if want to play golf of course and major damage for my poor bunkers on said golf course. This weekend is perfect example of connundrum. Rain today all u like – I can watch cricket and golf on TV etc. Not too much though as dont want bunkers to fill up. Then clear about 10 am tomorrow so can go out and actually play golf. Surely not too much to ask? Of course what will more likely happen is that the big tease will go all day as temp slowly rises, puddles form from sweat only and finally the skies will open tomorrow about 1 pm ie Hole 3!

Big week in Sport with the “race that stops the nation”. The race I refer to of course was who would sign Sam Burgess because blind and deaf Freddy knew he was always coming back after a stint with the leather elbow brigade. Souths were red hot favorite and duly delivered as expected – unlike the other race where some sheila showed the boys how it is done and then had her achievement completely overshadowed by some post race comments. Didnt even have a sweep horse this year – one advantage/disadvantage of not working anymore – and could not even name 3 horses in the field. The only certainty these days of course is that some ladies will get absolutely ripped and images will fly around the world courtesy of social media . In other sporting news, the Black Caps were a tad ordinary at the Gabba and we should have our first 3 day test of the summer – weather permitting. The news (in the loosest sense of the word) folk still cant quite let Hayne go despite it being obvious the shine has faded along with his prospects this year. When his greatest strength is how weak his team is then you know it wont end well

The biggest surprise of the week though of course is that The Verdict is still on?? Always reminded of the Frontline episode where Mike insisted on being taken as a serious journalist and the Brass pretended to support him. Karl has same affliction and about the same amount of gravitas. Never watched an episode never will. Despite my love for SM, the EX-PM is weak sadly. Some goose in online forum stated it must be “doing ok because it attracted 600,000 viewers”. This is the same populace that rated an hour of cat videos as extreme entertainment! Getting ready for cricket and 9 has an ad for latest crap about How Rich get Hitched or some nonsense. Probably attract 1 million of the brain dead who aint so much Walking dead (too much effort) as Sitting dead. Gotham continues to impress, Supergirl is bad, and good to see Elementary back on. Caught the Amy doco which was a mixture of interest and sadness. Her Dad was a real prick and hubby not much better.

As November has rolled around it can only mean one thing – next US holiday is only 3 months away! Have to start thinking of that catchy title for blog. Likely a JFK theme as doing his life in reverse – Dallas->Washington-> Boston. Just have to survive Dallas first of course

Like a couple of Rabbitohs lining up at the Chemist I thought it would help us all to wait a couple of days for your weekly Fillet of Flash this week – which goes very nicely with a battered Sav I am reliably informed. Its an odd week of sport actually. First up while I would have liked Day to win Spieth is a worthy winner as well. Anyone who thinks Day choked has never played golf half way seriously at all. It is a frustrating and soul destroying game at times and while it was very slow to recognise women I am convinced they were involved in its creation at the start because their hands are all over it like white on rice. Spieth went walkabout a few weeks ago after looking unbeatable 2 months ago. The one golden rule he definitely displays is “drive for show, putt for dough” – or $10 million in this case. Then we get to the NRL . I would like Broncos to win as they are my team but there will be no wrist slashing if Cowboys do because JT deserves it as much as anyone I know. And of course once again we have to put up with the nonsense of “play the grand final in Brisbane”. Why ? Suncorp only sits 52,000 for starters. Its much more fun to go to Sydney and win – as long as someone stops the airlines from gouging Joe Average as per usual. The Dally Ms confirmed two certainties – JT is the best player in the game at present and Turnbull should stick to Polo and leave the blue collar games to anyone else. At least Keating never pretended to be a sports follower. I still occasionally watch the Today Show as Step 7 of my 12 Step plan for Rageaholics Annonymous but “Thank You Karl” even outdid himself this week by starting a movement to bring this Sundays game to Suncorp! Complete Tool

Hayne ran for 37 yds (not even metres!) and zippers bulged the world over. At least all of his years playing for Paramatta will hold him in good stead for a season that finishes early every year. The only match of any real importance in the must win caper this week is of course in Rah Rah land when we take on the Poms on the weekend. Win and kick them out of their own tournament would be tres sweet – and ensure Sammy is back in red and green next year.

TV wise Ray Donovan wrapped up its 3rd season and is currently the best drama on TV . Utopia on ABC continues to expertly portray some classic government office workplace scenarios while Gruen rounds out the best hour of local TV all week. 800 Words is simply Seachange in NZ with less likable characters but plenty of cliches. Scream Queens was a pleasant surprise and Quantico has a workable premise and narrative which does not necessarily guarantee success or even survival as it is still a bit sudsy. Trevor Noah has the toughest job on TV at present and while the show is still good with the help of correspondents I do feel that his guest interviewees interaction may be lacking. With all of the late night shows around these days I find best solution is subscribe to them on You Tube and then each morning can check out the best skits and interviews via ATV in less than 30 minutes! Across the ditch and the This is England TV spinoffs continue to decline with each subsequent series

Finally lets talk weather. Its been an interesting week to say the least. I have lived (at least my version of it) in Maryhole for 38 yrs and remember well years ago when we got our fair share of storms. Now storms can be nasty and destructive so missing 95% of them is not necessarily a bad thing but what has happened here in the last few years? No new mountain ranges et al I am aware of? It is like the Red Sea has relocated to Tiaro and everything parts there. Maybe there is a Black Knight of Bauple declaring “None shall Pass” . The last two days in particular have been tres confounding and it is like BOM suddenly runs out of blue ink when it approaches us. I have no issue with them predicting “possible storms” because they certainly do look likely at times but just once it would be nice if someone added the rider ” of course it will likely dissipate before getting to Maryhole despite any other obvious indications”. Can someone just explain why this happens all the time and trust me I will shut up about it. Its the biggest tease since Sharon Stone uncrossed her legs. Its only going to get worse of course when the summer heat starts rolling in next week or two. I hate hot weather – its my basic instinct

So Summer is approaching and the days lengthen and warmthen. This we know because the neighbourhood dog and bird choir is in full swing by 530 am. Not a big issue for moi as always been an early riser. Sometimes even get out of bed. When I do time for a quick breakfast and then out to golf course for some bunkering et al. Given the short duration of said breakfast and preference for hands free news absorption one turns on the Today Show which sadly has started by 530 am. If I actually have to cook something this can extend to a 30 min chore which gives one the opportunity to observe what passes for 30 mins of “infotainment” these days. We have the news bulletin, ads, sports bulletin, ads, weather, front pages and then the cycle starts again at 6 am. In between there is usual some plug of other 9 shows, where they are travelling to next, and of course the standard “coming up” tease of something that could be slightly interesting but may not show until 8:59 am. Thankfully well and truly covered in sand by then

Speaking of pointless TV shows when one starts the day so early one finds oneself having a break mid to late morning and wanting to relax and not really concentrate on a serious show like Ray Donovan. Lo and behold it is the 2015 Emmys live from somewhere else. Tragically I had missed the red carpet interviews. There is no such thing as a good awards show but some are less tedious than others and really are just something to have on in the background while doing something more productive like clipping your toenails. Quality of course starts with the host and while I dont mind Brooklyn 99, Samberg is not my cup of tea and certainly not a substantial host. The tin of beans gag on the red carpet simply leaves one wondering how this even gets to air. Then we have the “stars” and the awkward presentation interactions. These shows , like many, appeal to that large, and sadly ever increasing, segment of the populace that even now have their own species identification. Dumbas Oxygenwastas hereafter known as DO to save time and energy for said toenails. This show was as predictable as airport workers going on strike during school holidays. Awards to shows spread like chickenpox so that once it is on, IT IS ON BABY. Olive Clitoris, VEEP,GOT……zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I love Bill Murray as much as the next guy but to get an Emmy for playing himself for 3 minutes is simply ridiculous. One imagines they think his passing is imminent. Hamm gets a deserved Emmy but for all the wrong seasons much like GOT which just had its weakest season really. Just when you think you understand that its makeup time Amy Poehler misses out as JLD wins again for doing the same thing 4 yrs in a row. At least Modern Family didnt win! There were two categories for reality shows – Structured and Unstructured?? Pandering to the DOs again. How about Crap and Utter Crap next time. The one that did stand out as odd though was the best writing award for GOT . Series based on popular books always attract your stranger group of rabid fans but even they would be surprised at that one. And of course who could have foreseen Viola Davis turning her speech into a Black Women Power theme. Of course things are different in 2015 then in 1955. Everyone knows that – except the Australian Liberal Party. Which leads nicely into….

The coup was a raging success. Turnbull has soared in the polls to dizzying heights unseen since that last popular PM. Now what was her name ? Oh thats right Julia Gillard. What could go wrong?? Lets just say dont get too comfy Talkbull. It is galling how the media, especially those with other agendas, pounce on this without the obvious rider statement. You are polling the same DOs that gave Scott Cam a Gold Logie remember. It is like the weather bureau who consistently say “chance of a shower or storm this afternoon for Maryborough” which of course is true in a way but doesnt tack on the historical fact that 99% of the time it doesnt happen. Scott Morrison is the interesting player in this and now maybe thinks he can do a Keating and ascend to the top via the Treasurer position. As even Lloyd Bentsen would say “Sir you are no Paul Keating”. The other laugh of course is that Hockey tells us the age of entitlement is over but he wants a plumb ambassador job in USA thanks muchly. Ya cant write this stuff. But if you could you just may win and Emmy. Stranger things have happened. As luck would have it the leadership meeting of the Liberal Caucus has leaked online and as a service to you same is provided below

Finally to sport. Can we please stop referring to them as “Hayne’s 49ers”. There is a $12 million a year QB sitting there crying and scratching his head wondering why they took SF out of the franchise name. Too many head knocks can do that to ya. Stop dumbing it down for the DOs. Anyone who doesnt know he plays for SF by now really are not interested. I was interested in his story and good luck to him but think reality is about to hit hard mostly because it aint a real strong team folks. And then we get to the feel good sports story of Jason Day. It is a fascinating time of year for your serious golf watcher as despite the obscene amount of money available at the end of the Fed Ex watching the players move up and down in standings and what it means for next week is tres fascinating. We are now down to the final 30 and the permutations and combinations are numerous. I think if Jason Day finishes 17th, Sangboon Bae comes 2nd, Jordan Spieth dies after 54 holes, and Tiger Woods doesnt make a golf headline all week then Day gets all the choccies. You know it is getting tight when on the 16th hole on the last day the caddie is sacked and a 13yr old Asian maths whizz is suddenly carrying the bag and a calculator.

There are only two stories in the news today so why not mash them. Haynso was seen wearing a helmet so we assume he is playing in about 45 mins. Abbott should have worn a helmet but instead was knocked out of the ring. Welcome to Australia 2015 where we can kick out a PM while most of us are asleep and yet Karl still has a gig on the Today show?

I didnt think anything was going to knock Haynso off the lead news item today but I was wrong – briefly at least. By 11 am it was great to see the first 6 newsfeed items on Facebook were all about him actually starting in todays game. More than anything this should tell me to start unlikeing a few pages methinks but doubt I can avoid it anyway. Will I watch it ? Yeah, will start because afterall have to justify paying $60 a month for Foxtel just to watch PGA golf. Unless there is a wardrobe malfunction in the pregame show or Haynso scores a touchdown with his first touch doubt I can stay interested for the 8 hrs your average NFL game takes

As for the other news, it is a sad day in many ways. Not for that clown Abbott but rather for politics in this country where yet another PM is anointed by his party rather than the people . Did they not learn anything from the Ruddiard debacle? I iamgine Abbott was a good and decent man as they all are really but he never really connected with the people and won by default more than anything else. This of course is now the norm in Aussie politics – the incumbent loses rather than a shining beacon being swept into office. The interesting question of course is will Turnbull go the way of Downer and to a lesser extent Peacock and once elevated to the position suddenly start losing appeal ? One thing for sure is it is going to be one dull election next time around with Talkbull and Curly front and centre. Talk about last clown standing. Of course the one person forgotten in all this who just may have drowned in his porridge this morning is The Parrot aka Jonesy. Jonesy isnt into the funny business with sheilas but would gladly have adopted Abbott if he could have. The smart player in all this is likely Julie Bishop who may just come out relatively unscathed , if such a thing is possible. Turnbull loses the next election and then the Bishop/Morrison team rises to “unite the party in these difficult times” . Which means there will only be one song being sung in the Liberal caucus meetings in about 18 months time

So Pup has finally left the kennel and the mongrel took winter with him! Suddenly our batsmen understood how to leave a ball outside off. Pup needed 220 runs to average 50 in test cricket and be considered a great but fell a tantalising 205 short to now be considered a “former captain and current Channel 9 commentator” in all future introductions. Siddle showed how to bowl with line and length and many may say where was he last test match? Dont matter mate when you get bowled out for 106 in the first innings! Before too long this series will simply be remembered as stated in the record books – a 3-2 loss on foreign soil. Jolly good effort chappies – here are some more bags of money for you. Sandwiched between a towelling in the West Indies and a flogging in Bangladesh, many test records will hardly be affected and the major problems apparent to blind Freddy will once again go unanswered. Why did England perform so badly? They are professional sportsmen simple as that – their minds and motivation work differently to normal folk

For more on this fascinating sub species lets move to NRL. As certain as a win in dead rubber in Test cricket was so is a cellar dweller beating a top contender when their season is over. These people are not the sharpest tools in the box and seem motivated by things that seem less important to us – than winning the premiership for example! These buffoons run around all year with no clear form guide but given a chance of picking up the wooden spoon, suddenly become world beaters. Manly were already thinking of next week when got cleaned up by Parra but Melbourne last night was simply inexcusable and Bellyache agreed. Broncs couldnt beat a depleted Roosters side which pretty well sums them up – close to the top but not quite there. Sticking with Roosters/Cowboys GF with Bulldogs the smokies. Of course it is hard to get much local NRL news these days with Boy Wonder Hayne catching a ball and running 20 yds in USA. Dont get me wrong, he looks good and should make the squad but with NRL almost over can we send Rabs over to commentate purleese. If I hear one more vegemite or kangaroo quip I will be physically ill – and not just from too much vegemite or Roo meat. If nothing else I will at least watch some more NFL this year it seems but has always been a very slow and complex game for moi.

Some media gooses seem shocked that Sydney and Melbourne have such a high numbers of clowns using the Ashley Maddison Stray Shaggers Site. In particular they refer to a “racy” city like Rio only coming (no pun intended) in 11th. Does this mean that Sydney is more racy than Rio? Of course not, I doubt Rio even has the internet. I think it says in general the folk in these Aussie cities are arrogant, lazy fools. No need to put in any effort to stray when I can just sign up with this app on my work provided phone. Mathematicians have looked at the sums and reckons that it implies that 15% of the active working male population in Melbourne has a profile. Luckily I was never an active worker. If 95% of subscribers are male does that mean that the 5% sheilas are very, very busy or that as usual about 90% of men are missing out ? Sao Paulo actually tops the list apparently – guess playing wet the biscuit there is still popular.

Who invented the term the “pub test” and can he or she please be shot immediately. The term itself is harmless enough but does grate when you hear someone like The Parrot or Karl Stuffanosepick use it regularly and that queasy vegemite feeling comes back. Could not imagine the last time those clowns were in a pub but glad I wasnt there as well. At least Jones has moved on from “struggle street”. Mind you if this current financial crisis deepens much more we may all be walking down Struggle street soon looking for a pub – and some cheap Chinese takeaway. Interesting to see how Tony et al deal with it

And glad it is over!

Sporting wise it was a shocker. First up we have the flanneled fools brigade masquerading as highly paid TEST cricketers. No, did not leave the caps lock on accidentally. At least this time. As noted previously the first session of any test match these days largely determines the outcome of the match. Now Puppy ( yes he has been demoted) batted first as per Captaincy 101 unless the actual coin you tossed in the air was blown 30 feet away and landed in a lake at mid on. TEST batsmen know that you have to SURVIVE the first hour and maybe two because after lunch it is bread and jam with a good old game of hit and fetch Poms. Of course even the best batsmen will fall occasionally in these conditions and then we release the KRAKKEN aka Smith the Wunderkind. If he struggles then the laundry mistress knows she is going to need some extra stain remover that night for our creams. Then comes the middle order or as we in Aussie land have called it for several years now – The Bermuda Triangle. Seemingly proficient shield batsmen enter there and are never heard of again. Puppy has a million in loose change in each foot apparently as simply cannot move them. Much like Tiger Woods the media seems more interested at times in following his personal downfall rather than the rise of the next generation. The problems start at the top though especially now that Warner has taken over Watto’s role of reviewing plum decisions. Of course when he went up to ask Buck what he thought who really thinks Buck would have said “Of course it was out ya goose , piss off”. More likely ” Well Mr Warner you are the best best batsman in the world so of course you must try and review because we cant win without you” . As for our bowlers? I watched one good 4 over spell from Mitch but Lord knows what happened the rest of time especially when he started bowling from 24 yds! Starc is fragile both physically and mentally and Hazlewood needs a helpful pitch and we all know this one was a road – when we were bowling apparently!!

If you want a good laugh about cricket then you should follow this guy – his line about two teams who have both lost last test is classic

The Liebke Ratings: Third Ashes Test

NRL wise the Broncos had a wake up call against Manly or more importantly the fans who have been touting an all QLD final for weeks now did at least . Lazo is a prize clown in the political arena but does know his footy so was interested to listen last week when he said it would be a Souths Roosters final and when pushed said he didnt think the Broncos halves were up to speed yet. Prophetic words. Personally I think it will be Roosters/Cowboys but that is discussion for another day. Like cricket most sport swings with momentum and this match was much like SOO3 where one team is simply blown off the park through energy, skill and a bit of luck and never get back. The Broncos were flat and their much praised defense lay back in wait and was found wanting – a worrying template for future opponents. What would be alarming for Clunk though would be to lose the second half as well and in fact leak more points. This will test all of his legendary man management skills but feel he just may come up a couple of cattle short of a full herd.

Tiger made a cut and the media world breathed a sigh of relief as he even manouvered into a threatening second position. Then came moving day and Tiger did – backwards. Last seen hanging around in the locker room looking for the answer to life, the universe and everything. Yes he is currently in position 42 with household names like Huh , Reifers and Hahn. Not going to enter into the Goodes debate as their are some valid points on both sides and it is only AFL afterall and has already taken up enough newsprint and airwaves

TV wise Netflix continues to deliver with its “original” series of Wet Hot American Summer – which is actually a prequel to the 2001 movie of the same name. The movie was rather dull but was of interest for the number of future – and some current – stars making up the numbers. The first appeal of this 6 episode bingefest is that all the stars return – and a couple more. This is silly indeed but also fun with Banks being the best of the returning cast but the addition of Hamm was smart casting if for no other reason than to see Don and Roger together again, if never in same scene. Hamm is becoming synonymous with these goofy roles and one does wonder what his next serious effort will be but in the meantime simply sit back and enjoy. Wig was tragically underused while the insertion of Reagan worked well. Finished first season of The Knick during the week and it was a quality and interesting medical period drama.

One feels we are entering the last throes of winter here so must enjoy the next couple of weeks while they last. Cool nights and warm clear days are hard to beat. Perfect for that little nanna nap post lunch. Only one problem though with Old Whiskers

Can you stop with the yips off the coast of Hervey Bay at that time purleese! Movement in bed only confuses moi.

Well it is Monday. Big weekend of sport with the only icing remaining is for an Aussie to triumph at St Andrews. So lets start with the golf

It was looming as a great couch potato night on Saturday with golf and cricket starting before my bedtime. So, just after the 6 pm news. Sadly the golf was not on and the cricket one sided. Now if Kerry Packer was running golf and we didnt worry so much about traditions they would have been out playing in the puddles and the gales. Because it would have been funny to watch. All hackers love seeing Pros struggle or having to hit a One wood into a 170 m Par 3. Instead the tournament stretches into tonight and while the Aussies are well placed you wont even see them tee off before 11 pm. There were some other highlights though including Tom Terrific’s final appearance. An emotional time leading to a disappointing bogey at the last rather easy hole – due to his nemesis of last 20 years, a streaky putter. And we also had the vision of Sir( English sportsperson who won more than a meat tray = knighthood) Nick Faldo walking up the last proudly wearing the same pullover he wore 30 years ago at Muirfield. Now Nick is a great commentator these days but a very vain man by all appearances which also accounts for the fact his hair is still the same colour as it was 30 years ago too! Tiger missed another cut. One can only wonder when that no longer is really news

The cricket was one sided from the get go. Golfers in tournaments can receive a big advantage simply based on draw as happened in first day at the Open when the early groups had a huge advantage and can even in fact be difference between making cut or not (Yes Tiger played early as well!). Same with the toss in cricket which is a bit unfortunate when you think about it. A match can be largely decided before a ball is bowled. Once we won toss and batted Poms were always going to struggle. And of course as always happens what appears to be a road to one team suddenly becomes a minefield to the other. Nevill and Marsh looked the goods so Watto may as well go home now. Johnson bowled well and it was a great team effort – almost the perfect match much like the Maroons in SOO 3. It will be the next test that tells us where we really are. We better win the toss!

On a weekend when we were at the spiritual home of golf and cricket it was only fitting that the Davis Cup was played at its spiritual home in Australia – Darwin! Now to be fair it was an easy mistake. Kyrgios was asked about his thoughts on Davis Cup at last press conference and said “I will likely crack a poo”. Cloth eared TA officials thought he said “I would like to see Kakadu” so quickly changed venue to Darwin to entice him to play. Sound plan that worked a treat. Not. Luckily Little Ley Ley did his usual trick and one can only hope that Nick the Greek spends some more time with LL because he started out as an insufferable twat too. I do think LL should not bar up after match point even if very excited though – not a good look

NRL is getting to the business end and while Broncs are travelling well would agree that Roosters are deserved favourites as long as they can avoid injuries and their AAA rating – Arrests, Assaults and AVOs. Cowboys are a definite chance as well of course. Talk of switching GF to Suncorp is nonsense but they have had some great events there of late and really if hearing “Never Walk Alone” in a full stadium doesnt give you goosebumps you just may be dead

It wouldnt be a Monday without a moan about Channel 9. Before heading out to golf course had the Today show on to get the 6 am bulletin . Yeah what was I thinking? The shark footage was rather amazing though I must say. They say a Great White and probably right although he did seem to not have his heart in it, let alone his teeth. Fair sized fin though and maybe the most amazing footage was seeing his Aussie mate paddling in to help out at great speed with no concern for own safety. They are a unique breed, your average surfer

Then we had the Bronnie Bishop nonsense. Most politicians that rise to a high position have a certain arrogance of course. With people like Keating or Howard for example it was well earnt but more importantly they had a sense of the office and some respect borne out of years in opposition. Much like a couple of the current Labour ministers in the Qld government some never understand that and it all happens a bit too quick for them. That cant be said for BB who has been around for ever and should be paying her own carbon tax on that hairdo. Remember when she was the great Liberal hope back in the early 90’s for about 3 weeks until, like with all ultra conservatives, they are soon found out to have a very limited knowledge across the spectrum and are one theme clowns. As PK so beautifully described her ” all tip, no iceberg”. I have never understood why The Speaker is such a high position and BB has only added to the confusion. She really shouldnt smile, it is a scary look and kids could be watching. Speaking of which…….

But wait there is more drivel to come for the Today show. They had an article on the latest $100 mill grant for a new plan “Kick and Play” to get school kids more active. That totally insipid stand in host Campbell suggested “the biggest problem I think is that parents spend too much time on Facebook and Twitter and dont play with their kids” But the best was yet to come “What do you think Australia? Jump on Facebook or twitter and let us know” Fuck me slowly. You cant write this stuff. Media Watch naturally is my must watch program each week and they did a great bit last week on the ridiculous reporting by 9 on the Lorna Jane non issue where she wanted to hire a small skinny woman to tell other small skinny women how good they look – oh and answer the phone and make the tea. Now much like their 60 minute fiasco they only told half the story but of more concern were the half hourly crosses to the store in Brisvegas waiting for it to open and hoping to find an angry mob outside threatening to boycott. Sadly the only women around at the time were drinking coffee and eating donuts so not really your LJ demographic.

Perfect for The Today Show though

Is there a Moron Convention in Brisvegas this weekend? Certainly plenty heading south this morning on the roads. Ok, the first and most annoying group are the Cruise Control Castrators. They never get to the actual speed limit but cant quite settle on one either so always fluctuate between 80 and 90 and so you are always accelerating and braking. Then you get to overtaking lanes and they suddenly discover 4th gear and speed up over 100 and then you have to break limit significantly to pass them. Then u settle into some peace and quiet – until you get to some road works where speed drops down 100-80-60……. so you do too and then all of a sudden it is like a scene from Duel as your rear view mirror fills with the same fast closing asshole you passed 5 k back. Apparently they never get to 100 (except when being overtaken!) but they also refuse to drop below 80! Finally you get to the double lines south of Pomona and we now have to deal with a whole new sub species – the Rightlane Raider. They have no grasp of the “keep left unless overtaking” concept. They can be further divided into Daydreamers, Blockers and Dopey Pricks. The daydreamer is just having a senior moment and usually remembers eventually. The Blocker stays in the right hand lane but exactly opposite a car in left hand lane – and maintains same pace! The DPs simply dont have a care in the world – or a functioning synapse – and simply like the right hand lane even if only car on the road. They remind me of the old codger who proudly says “been driving for 50 years and never had an accident” Hey, dipshit have you noticed though how many seem to happen in your close vicinity?? So this is all like a large Venn diagram and the ones you really want to avoid is that small group that intersects multiple groups. They should have their own plates – DC (work it out yourself this is family show) – and have a third slightly wider lane just for them which is one way and contraflowed to go in the opposite direction I am travelling in

What is it with hotels and keeping your “minibar deposit for weeks”?? They take say $100 at the start which equates to a pack of maltesers and a bottled water. On check out “Did u use the minibar Sir?” “No, sadly only got 5 numbers and a supp on Saturday night so couldnt afford it” “Ok, we will send through the cancel request she smirks” Of course that is just the start of the Powerplay Resulting In Careless Kaos. Thats right, Pricks too! Its like the Ticketek nonsense for last week – in 2015 you really have to send off a drunk carrier pigeon with the cancel request?

Pampered Pooches eh. First up can I just add that any dog that does not come up to you knee (on 4 legs, not humping) should just be shot as a matter of course. Yorkshire Terriers are bred for that region where you cant go outdoors for 9 months of the year and as the local people dont bathe the extra smell in the house is not noticeable. There are a couple of issues here. First up are the very sensible and serious Aussie quarantine laws. I always know when I have returned home after latest escapade when I feel a dog sniffing my butt at Brisvegas airport. Observant readers would note this fits in perfectly with previous stated minimum height requirements for said animal. Secondly is the arrogance of the so called A List brigade. Its not deliberate per se but more a case of simply dont care about laws as they dont apply to me – I am a star and I have a Private Jet. Then we have the media that fall all over themselves in the rush for the smartest headline – eg Ruff Justice- and elevate story way beyond any semblance of importance. Surely another Kardashian has changed sex by now.

Big week in politics with the budget and the previous invisible Joe Wobbly everywhere. But this is the LP 2015 version and there were always going to be gaffes but hard to beat the double dippers hypocrisy. Joe just wanted to stay on target and only talk budget, no distractions team, stay on message. Then old Barnaby gets sideswiped about the lack of support for the struggling farmers in the budget and decides to bring up the dog story and threaten to kill them if they dont bugger off. His head swells with pride as he has demonstrated his ocker cred with appropriate good old slang. Which brings us to the lasting image of the week. Good old Tony was pretending to be one of the people out bush but didnt bring a hat. To be fair, in private he usually just stretches his ears together over his skull and covers everything. But old Barnaby takes his hat off and places it on Abbott’s head – where it proceeds to fall down to his nose but sadly leaving his mouth uncovered. So what does this tell us about the relative size of their heads. Who cares? They are both filled with a vacuum.

In space no one can hear you scream.

Been a quiet week after the Great Kate Weight dropped and no more executions planned or over hyped fights. So it seems only fitting that a dull week starts with The Logies. As stated in other media commitments explaining The Logie concept to the inevitable invading aliens would be difficult but a lot would rely on understanding the Gra Gra legacy and the revered status of the Gold Logie. Sadly, once they were finally on board with the quaint though perfectly acceptable voting system the inevitable question becomes so who won the last couple? Prepare for takeover folks because our planet is ripe for the plucking! Now Carrie Bickmore may be a lovely lady with a heartfelt and sincere message but it is a sad reflection of the state of Aussie TV. Mind you, you dont need a flashy awards show to tell us that but rather , ironically, a TV Week programme guide will suffice. Luckily though there is always a swag of good shows around that may not always be ratings winners which only confirms long held views on the median IQ of the great unwashed

Mad Men slowly draws to a sad series conclusion simply oozing more class than the oil in Don’s hair. Various theories abound about the finale and it was noticeable the longing look that Don gave to the window in the meeting room and the gaze skyward to the plane and building. Nothing excites the WWW crowd more than weird theories. One of the better ones I read was that it was Bob Dylan he picked up at the end. The DB Cooper one gets a lot of airplay too. Hope they nail the landing much like Don’s triple reverse pike from the 19 th floor. Using my EOAD theory have started Vikings Season 3 and enjoying it. As always there is a fair bit of sword play in and out of the bedroom and although only 3 episodes in it is pretty clear King Shagonarock wants to nail the bunny boiler. Good luck with that one. This year in particular has been blessed with some very clever comedies with Louie and Amy leading the way. Every week is different and her 12 Angry Men parody was nothing short of genius. For every bit of dribble like BBT we need a Louie to balance the Universe. Dave Letterman is coming to an end and provided the highlight of the week if not the century when my Tina clearly showed why she will always be Numero Uno in the spank bank. Sexy, smart and funny but above all else down to earth and just adorable. For those that missed it

Sporting wise it all started with the most over hyped fight of the century. Always intrigued when the commentators say if they can pay him $3 million then he deserves it. Why? Ok, some promoter is taking a big risk but the only reason they make that much money is because they gouge the average Joe who loves his boxing to fork out $60 to watch it at home! And then we have the breakdown in Tiger’s relationship with his current squeeze. I blame the dress she was wearing at the Par 3 shootout – when he saw it later on TV he realised he had to end it. Mind you after 3 years he thought they were still just “dating” so maybe that didnt help. So then he returns for my second fave tournament of the year after The Masters – which to be fair was a snooze fest this year. So tried to watch some yesterday but apparently Tiger was the only one who turned up on the first day. Or so the moronic host broadcaster would have you believe. Seriously it was just a circle jerk in the box. TW was playing with our Adam and OA was going pretty good at 2 or 3 under while TW struggled at 1 over. Still every hole, you only saw Woods “just missed that par putt. He would have got that in 2001” Seriously you had to go on line to look at the scoreboard to see what Scott twas doing. Sadly I see TW just scraped in to the cut so there will be many cutaways tomorrow and Monday to TW playing in the first group on his way to a “solid and encouraging 73”. NRL wise the Broncos tough out another one. Those Aliens, still trying to digest The Logie concept, would ask “so how far ahead are those guys in pink ” ? No, they lost. “WTF, they made 70 m everytime they had the ball!” . ” Defense wins matches just like repelling an Alien invasion – hehe ” Sadly our national defense is more like the Aussies last week rather than the Broncos last night. Speaking of which, riddle me this?

Why does it always piss down when I go to Brisbane?? Actually that is not the riddle. So we had tickets for the game on Friday night which was rightly called off and postponed to Sunday. Fair enough, shit happens. Ticketek offered full refund BUT you had to POST the tickets back?? Ergo, for those that could not make it on Sunday like us then our seats could not be onsold? Surely in 2015 ( or even 2005) when you buy tickets ELECTRONICALLY and PRINT AT HOME you could simply get an automatic refund ONLINE! Anyhoo had a great time at the Emporium in the Valley which is located in a great precinct and easy walk to plenty of eateries and even a few drinkeries. Apparently. Then you waddle down to the river and if you dont fall in , catch a river cat to all manner of attractions. The Annointed One and I were celebrating/consoling our 13 years together – of which we have actually spent about 13 months together, 12 of those OS:) And they said it wouldnt last! Mind you the way my Q Super dived this week we may be seeing a lot more of each other soon

Yes, I may have to become a rent boy! In my case though it will be “Will Mow for Food”

Not a week to be flippant really with 3 significant, and thought-provoking, events occurring. What was of interest to me though were the divided opinions and impact of said events

First up was the 100th anniversary of Anzac Day. There are many and varied accounts of the actual event both from a logistics and culpability point of view. It does strike a chord though like few other historical events with the great unwashed masses who turned out in their droves. Including me. Am I a war groupie ? Nope, simply paying respect to the memory of those who fought for this country whether the war was justified or not. If the soldiers want to march (and mostly show respect for fallen mates) then I think I can drag my ass out of bed at first light and watch them walk proudly past. Which I do every day anyway 🙂 You have to be fairly cold not to be moved by the Last Post in that eerie light. I remember writing about how impressive the 911 memorial was in NYC earlier this year only for some clowns turning that into propaganda for the US Military complex! Its a free country so everyone is entitled to their opinion – except SBS reporters on social media. What was he thinking ? I do wonder though if these same people ever sit down and reflect on why we always will be a country where you can speak your mind? Finished off the morning with a rewatch of Weir’s Gallipoli – still the definitive Anzac story for moi. And that soundtrack!

Second up was the Nepal disaster , and the word disaster hardly seems to adequately cover it. The loss of life along with historical buildings and infrastructure is simply devastating. The media handled it quite well really, at least initially. With disasters like this in other parts of the world am always reminded of the Alas Smith and Jones sketch where they reported on a train disaster in Europe with the rider ” No English were hurt”. Its not funny of course but does demonstrate the natural bias of the reporting news. It does remind one of the number of Aussies who selfishly give of their time to help in these parts of the world in orphanages etc. It does seem at times though that a death toll of 2000 with 5 Aussies killed is more of a reportable disaster than a death toll of 4000 with 1 Aussie killed? And then social media kicks in of course with the news that the brother of some two bit Aussie soapie actor is missing. Very sad for that family and group of friends of course, hardly more important than the orphanage volunteer also reported missing.

And finally we get to the inevitable execution of two of the Bali 9. I have no real issue with the death penalty but in this particular case am somewhat swayed by the argument of what is the point of rehabilitation programmes? If you dont know by now that smuggling drugs in that part of the world is dangerous business then perhaps you are indeed wasting oxygen. Different countries have different laws of course but it does become particularly galling for moi when you see some of the light sentences handed down in Australia for some scum like Paedophiles. There was not quite the sensationalism of that clown Corby but it did seem there was too much faint hope given in some of the reporting when it was pretty clear from day 1 they would not change their mind. It is of course a barbaric form of execution. In a totally irrelevant and irreverent, but slightly related, comment I use to think Jewellery Bishop was a little hot in a school marmish way. Man, politics ages you quickly.

Other stuff happened in the world but most paled into the background. There is a massive fight coming up – Mayweather V Pacman– and the build up does take me back 44 years to that real Fight of the Century. Given the lack of technology back then it really did beam out across the world with the build up simply unique for a sporting event back then. Still amazes me I was allowed to watch the fight on a school night – especially when Number 96 was on the other channel! Since Ali, there have been many pretenders to the crown of The Greatest and of course Mayweather considers himself front and centre in that debate and said so. What is sad though is that whoever runs Ali’s Twitter account – and we all know it aint him – felt the need to respond and the media dragged out a minor story for 2-3 days along the lines of “Ali puts Floyd in his place!” What nonsense. Ali’s legacy is safe, just dont get dragged into this crap or else the media will jump all over it

Finally finished The Americans following my EOAD advice and only watching complete seasons. It was a superb season but what has become the norm did indeed ensue – an only average season finale. Because you know, there is next season to come! Mad Men continues to hit it out of the park and the only thing that will soften the series finale in a few weeks is if they nail the landing. If not, I may have to jump with Don. Just hope he lands first, or at least his large member does:) In a mixed week also watched the excellent UK yarn Code of a Killer with Frank Gallagher detailing the first use of DNA typing to catch a killer . Great stuff

Two minor events this morning on way home from gym – well, how else would I maintain this impressive body ?? Going away for weekend but just needed some milk to tide me over until Friday so planned a detour to “Local Convenience Store” given the early hour. This would of course take me past the good old Hospital and associated mixed feelings. Sitting there at the red light outside the main gate and glanced to my right only to be completely shocked. No, the hospital was still there amazingly but some old fart simply drove straight through the facing red light without a care in the world! Shaken but not stirred I continued onto the store and saw that the 2L Trim ( see previous “impressive body” comment) was paying overs at $4:32 but at least did have long expiry date, unlike me. Given this would not require a drawdown from Q Super I happily took it to counter. It registered – single purchase -as $4:33? Not a big deal of course, but then gets rounded up to $4:35 instead of down to $4:30! I follow the Scrooge McDuck principle of “look after the dimes and the dollars look after themselves” In a week of major events it was a minor thing to say the least but as is human nature it is the everyday things that often resonate more with us because the other stuff is simply too big or too horrendous to contemplate. Like ads for the The Block finale.