Friday Frumpmode

Posted: May 14, 2015 in Midlife Crisis in Maryhole

Is there a Moron Convention in Brisvegas this weekend? Certainly plenty heading south this morning on the roads. Ok, the first and most annoying group are the Cruise Control Castrators. They never get to the actual speed limit but cant quite settle on one either so always fluctuate between 80 and 90 and so you are always accelerating and braking. Then you get to overtaking lanes and they suddenly discover 4th gear and speed up over 100 and then you have to break limit significantly to pass them. Then u settle into some peace and quiet – until you get to some road works where speed drops down 100-80-60……. so you do too and then all of a sudden it is like a scene from Duel as your rear view mirror fills with the same fast closing asshole you passed 5 k back. Apparently they never get to 100 (except when being overtaken!) but they also refuse to drop below 80! Finally you get to the double lines south of Pomona and we now have to deal with a whole new sub species – the Rightlane Raider. They have no grasp of the “keep left unless overtaking” concept. They can be further divided into Daydreamers, Blockers and Dopey Pricks. The daydreamer is just having a senior moment and usually remembers eventually. The Blocker stays in the right hand lane but exactly opposite a car in left hand lane – and maintains same pace! The DPs simply dont have a care in the world – or a functioning synapse – and simply like the right hand lane even if only car on the road. They remind me of the old codger who proudly says “been driving for 50 years and never had an accident” Hey, dipshit have you noticed though how many seem to happen in your close vicinity?? So this is all like a large Venn diagram and the ones you really want to avoid is that small group that intersects multiple groups. They should have their own plates – DC (work it out yourself this is family show) – and have a third slightly wider lane just for them which is one way and contraflowed to go in the opposite direction I am travelling in

What is it with hotels and keeping your “minibar deposit for weeks”?? They take say $100 at the start which equates to a pack of maltesers and a bottled water. On check out “Did u use the minibar Sir?” “No, sadly only got 5 numbers and a supp on Saturday night so couldnt afford it” “Ok, we will send through the cancel request she smirks” Of course that is just the start of the Powerplay Resulting In Careless Kaos. Thats right, Pricks too! Its like the Ticketek nonsense for last week – in 2015 you really have to send off a drunk carrier pigeon with the cancel request?

Pampered Pooches eh. First up can I just add that any dog that does not come up to you knee (on 4 legs, not humping) should just be shot as a matter of course. Yorkshire Terriers are bred for that region where you cant go outdoors for 9 months of the year and as the local people dont bathe the extra smell in the house is not noticeable. There are a couple of issues here. First up are the very sensible and serious Aussie quarantine laws. I always know when I have returned home after latest escapade when I feel a dog sniffing my butt at Brisvegas airport. Observant readers would note this fits in perfectly with previous stated minimum height requirements for said animal. Secondly is the arrogance of the so called A List brigade. Its not deliberate per se but more a case of simply dont care about laws as they dont apply to me – I am a star and I have a Private Jet. Then we have the media that fall all over themselves in the rush for the smartest headline – eg Ruff Justice- and elevate story way beyond any semblance of importance. Surely another Kardashian has changed sex by now.

Big week in politics with the budget and the previous invisible Joe Wobbly everywhere. But this is the LP 2015 version and there were always going to be gaffes but hard to beat the double dippers hypocrisy. Joe just wanted to stay on target and only talk budget, no distractions team, stay on message. Then old Barnaby gets sideswiped about the lack of support for the struggling farmers in the budget and decides to bring up the dog story and threaten to kill them if they dont bugger off. His head swells with pride as he has demonstrated his ocker cred with appropriate good old slang. Which brings us to the lasting image of the week. Good old Tony was pretending to be one of the people out bush but didnt bring a hat. To be fair, in private he usually just stretches his ears together over his skull and covers everything. But old Barnaby takes his hat off and places it on Abbott’s head – where it proceeds to fall down to his nose but sadly leaving his mouth uncovered. So what does this tell us about the relative size of their heads. Who cares? They are both filled with a vacuum.

In space no one can hear you scream.

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