flashman181

Is there a Moron Convention in Brisvegas this weekend? Certainly plenty heading south this morning on the roads. Ok, the first and most annoying group are the Cruise Control Castrators. They never get to the actual speed limit but cant quite settle on one either so always fluctuate between 80 and 90 and so you are always accelerating and braking. Then you get to overtaking lanes and they suddenly discover 4th gear and speed up over 100 and then you have to break limit significantly to pass them. Then u settle into some peace and quiet – until you get to some road works where speed drops down 100-80-60……. so you do too and then all of a sudden it is like a scene from Duel as your rear view mirror fills with the same fast closing asshole you passed 5 k back. Apparently they never get to 100 (except when being overtaken!) but they also refuse to drop below 80! Finally you get to the double lines south of Pomona and we now have to deal with a whole new sub species – the Rightlane Raider. They have no grasp of the “keep left unless overtaking” concept. They can be further divided into Daydreamers, Blockers and Dopey Pricks. The daydreamer is just having a senior moment and usually remembers eventually. The Blocker stays in the right hand lane but exactly opposite a car in left hand lane – and maintains same pace! The DPs simply dont have a care in the world – or a functioning synapse – and simply like the right hand lane even if only car on the road. They remind me of the old codger who proudly says “been driving for 50 years and never had an accident” Hey, dipshit have you noticed though how many seem to happen in your close vicinity?? So this is all like a large Venn diagram and the ones you really want to avoid is that small group that intersects multiple groups. They should have their own plates – DC (work it out yourself this is family show) – and have a third slightly wider lane just for them which is one way and contraflowed to go in the opposite direction I am travelling in

What is it with hotels and keeping your “minibar deposit for weeks”?? They take say $100 at the start which equates to a pack of maltesers and a bottled water. On check out “Did u use the minibar Sir?” “No, sadly only got 5 numbers and a supp on Saturday night so couldnt afford it” “Ok, we will send through the cancel request she smirks” Of course that is just the start of the Powerplay Resulting In Careless Kaos. Thats right, Pricks too! Its like the Ticketek nonsense for last week – in 2015 you really have to send off a drunk carrier pigeon with the cancel request?

Pampered Pooches eh. First up can I just add that any dog that does not come up to you knee (on 4 legs, not humping) should just be shot as a matter of course. Yorkshire Terriers are bred for that region where you cant go outdoors for 9 months of the year and as the local people dont bathe the extra smell in the house is not noticeable. There are a couple of issues here. First up are the very sensible and serious Aussie quarantine laws. I always know when I have returned home after latest escapade when I feel a dog sniffing my butt at Brisvegas airport. Observant readers would note this fits in perfectly with previous stated minimum height requirements for said animal. Secondly is the arrogance of the so called A List brigade. Its not deliberate per se but more a case of simply dont care about laws as they dont apply to me – I am a star and I have a Private Jet. Then we have the media that fall all over themselves in the rush for the smartest headline – eg Ruff Justice- and elevate story way beyond any semblance of importance. Surely another Kardashian has changed sex by now.

Big week in politics with the budget and the previous invisible Joe Wobbly everywhere. But this is the LP 2015 version and there were always going to be gaffes but hard to beat the double dippers hypocrisy. Joe just wanted to stay on target and only talk budget, no distractions team, stay on message. Then old Barnaby gets sideswiped about the lack of support for the struggling farmers in the budget and decides to bring up the dog story and threaten to kill them if they dont bugger off. His head swells with pride as he has demonstrated his ocker cred with appropriate good old slang. Which brings us to the lasting image of the week. Good old Tony was pretending to be one of the people out bush but didnt bring a hat. To be fair, in private he usually just stretches his ears together over his skull and covers everything. But old Barnaby takes his hat off and places it on Abbott’s head – where it proceeds to fall down to his nose but sadly leaving his mouth uncovered. So what does this tell us about the relative size of their heads. Who cares? They are both filled with a vacuum.

In space no one can hear you scream.

Been a quiet week after the Great Kate Weight dropped and no more executions planned or over hyped fights. So it seems only fitting that a dull week starts with The Logies. As stated in other media commitments explaining The Logie concept to the inevitable invading aliens would be difficult but a lot would rely on understanding the Gra Gra legacy and the revered status of the Gold Logie. Sadly, once they were finally on board with the quaint though perfectly acceptable voting system the inevitable question becomes so who won the last couple? Prepare for takeover folks because our planet is ripe for the plucking! Now Carrie Bickmore may be a lovely lady with a heartfelt and sincere message but it is a sad reflection of the state of Aussie TV. Mind you, you dont need a flashy awards show to tell us that but rather , ironically, a TV Week programme guide will suffice. Luckily though there is always a swag of good shows around that may not always be ratings winners which only confirms long held views on the median IQ of the great unwashed

Mad Men slowly draws to a sad series conclusion simply oozing more class than the oil in Don’s hair. Various theories abound about the finale and it was noticeable the longing look that Don gave to the window in the meeting room and the gaze skyward to the plane and building. Nothing excites the WWW crowd more than weird theories. One of the better ones I read was that it was Bob Dylan he picked up at the end. The DB Cooper one gets a lot of airplay too. Hope they nail the landing much like Don’s triple reverse pike from the 19 th floor. Using my EOAD theory have started Vikings Season 3 and enjoying it. As always there is a fair bit of sword play in and out of the bedroom and although only 3 episodes in it is pretty clear King Shagonarock wants to nail the bunny boiler. Good luck with that one. This year in particular has been blessed with some very clever comedies with Louie and Amy leading the way. Every week is different and her 12 Angry Men parody was nothing short of genius. For every bit of dribble like BBT we need a Louie to balance the Universe. Dave Letterman is coming to an end and provided the highlight of the week if not the century when my Tina clearly showed why she will always be Numero Uno in the spank bank. Sexy, smart and funny but above all else down to earth and just adorable. For those that missed it

Sporting wise it all started with the most over hyped fight of the century. Always intrigued when the commentators say if they can pay him $3 million then he deserves it. Why? Ok, some promoter is taking a big risk but the only reason they make that much money is because they gouge the average Joe who loves his boxing to fork out $60 to watch it at home! And then we have the breakdown in Tiger’s relationship with his current squeeze. I blame the dress she was wearing at the Par 3 shootout – when he saw it later on TV he realised he had to end it. Mind you after 3 years he thought they were still just “dating” so maybe that didnt help. So then he returns for my second fave tournament of the year after The Masters – which to be fair was a snooze fest this year. So tried to watch some yesterday but apparently Tiger was the only one who turned up on the first day. Or so the moronic host broadcaster would have you believe. Seriously it was just a circle jerk in the box. TW was playing with our Adam and OA was going pretty good at 2 or 3 under while TW struggled at 1 over. Still every hole, you only saw Woods “just missed that par putt. He would have got that in 2001” Seriously you had to go on line to look at the scoreboard to see what Scott twas doing. Sadly I see TW just scraped in to the cut so there will be many cutaways tomorrow and Monday to TW playing in the first group on his way to a “solid and encouraging 73”. NRL wise the Broncos tough out another one. Those Aliens, still trying to digest The Logie concept, would ask “so how far ahead are those guys in pink ” ? No, they lost. “WTF, they made 70 m everytime they had the ball!” . ” Defense wins matches just like repelling an Alien invasion – hehe ” Sadly our national defense is more like the Aussies last week rather than the Broncos last night. Speaking of which, riddle me this?

Why does it always piss down when I go to Brisbane?? Actually that is not the riddle. So we had tickets for the game on Friday night which was rightly called off and postponed to Sunday. Fair enough, shit happens. Ticketek offered full refund BUT you had to POST the tickets back?? Ergo, for those that could not make it on Sunday like us then our seats could not be onsold? Surely in 2015 ( or even 2005) when you buy tickets ELECTRONICALLY and PRINT AT HOME you could simply get an automatic refund ONLINE! Anyhoo had a great time at the Emporium in the Valley which is located in a great precinct and easy walk to plenty of eateries and even a few drinkeries. Apparently. Then you waddle down to the river and if you dont fall in , catch a river cat to all manner of attractions. The Annointed One and I were celebrating/consoling our 13 years together – of which we have actually spent about 13 months together, 12 of those OS:) And they said it wouldnt last! Mind you the way my Q Super dived this week we may be seeing a lot more of each other soon

Yes, I may have to become a rent boy! In my case though it will be “Will Mow for Food”

Not a week to be flippant really with 3 significant, and thought-provoking, events occurring. What was of interest to me though were the divided opinions and impact of said events

First up was the 100th anniversary of Anzac Day. There are many and varied accounts of the actual event both from a logistics and culpability point of view. It does strike a chord though like few other historical events with the great unwashed masses who turned out in their droves. Including me. Am I a war groupie ? Nope, simply paying respect to the memory of those who fought for this country whether the war was justified or not. If the soldiers want to march (and mostly show respect for fallen mates) then I think I can drag my ass out of bed at first light and watch them walk proudly past. Which I do every day anyway 🙂 You have to be fairly cold not to be moved by the Last Post in that eerie light. I remember writing about how impressive the 911 memorial was in NYC earlier this year only for some clowns turning that into propaganda for the US Military complex! Its a free country so everyone is entitled to their opinion – except SBS reporters on social media. What was he thinking ? I do wonder though if these same people ever sit down and reflect on why we always will be a country where you can speak your mind? Finished off the morning with a rewatch of Weir’s Gallipoli – still the definitive Anzac story for moi. And that soundtrack!

Second up was the Nepal disaster , and the word disaster hardly seems to adequately cover it. The loss of life along with historical buildings and infrastructure is simply devastating. The media handled it quite well really, at least initially. With disasters like this in other parts of the world am always reminded of the Alas Smith and Jones sketch where they reported on a train disaster in Europe with the rider ” No English were hurt”. Its not funny of course but does demonstrate the natural bias of the reporting news. It does remind one of the number of Aussies who selfishly give of their time to help in these parts of the world in orphanages etc. It does seem at times though that a death toll of 2000 with 5 Aussies killed is more of a reportable disaster than a death toll of 4000 with 1 Aussie killed? And then social media kicks in of course with the news that the brother of some two bit Aussie soapie actor is missing. Very sad for that family and group of friends of course, hardly more important than the orphanage volunteer also reported missing.

And finally we get to the inevitable execution of two of the Bali 9. I have no real issue with the death penalty but in this particular case am somewhat swayed by the argument of what is the point of rehabilitation programmes? If you dont know by now that smuggling drugs in that part of the world is dangerous business then perhaps you are indeed wasting oxygen. Different countries have different laws of course but it does become particularly galling for moi when you see some of the light sentences handed down in Australia for some scum like Paedophiles. There was not quite the sensationalism of that clown Corby but it did seem there was too much faint hope given in some of the reporting when it was pretty clear from day 1 they would not change their mind. It is of course a barbaric form of execution. In a totally irrelevant and irreverent, but slightly related, comment I use to think Jewellery Bishop was a little hot in a school marmish way. Man, politics ages you quickly.

Other stuff happened in the world but most paled into the background. There is a massive fight coming up – Mayweather V Pacman– and the build up does take me back 44 years to that real Fight of the Century. Given the lack of technology back then it really did beam out across the world with the build up simply unique for a sporting event back then. Still amazes me I was allowed to watch the fight on a school night – especially when Number 96 was on the other channel! Since Ali, there have been many pretenders to the crown of The Greatest and of course Mayweather considers himself front and centre in that debate and said so. What is sad though is that whoever runs Ali’s Twitter account – and we all know it aint him – felt the need to respond and the media dragged out a minor story for 2-3 days along the lines of “Ali puts Floyd in his place!” What nonsense. Ali’s legacy is safe, just dont get dragged into this crap or else the media will jump all over it

Finally finished The Americans following my EOAD advice and only watching complete seasons. It was a superb season but what has become the norm did indeed ensue – an only average season finale. Because you know, there is next season to come! Mad Men continues to hit it out of the park and the only thing that will soften the series finale in a few weeks is if they nail the landing. If not, I may have to jump with Don. Just hope he lands first, or at least his large member does:) In a mixed week also watched the excellent UK yarn Code of a Killer with Frank Gallagher detailing the first use of DNA typing to catch a killer . Great stuff

Two minor events this morning on way home from gym – well, how else would I maintain this impressive body ?? Going away for weekend but just needed some milk to tide me over until Friday so planned a detour to “Local Convenience Store” given the early hour. This would of course take me past the good old Hospital and associated mixed feelings. Sitting there at the red light outside the main gate and glanced to my right only to be completely shocked. No, the hospital was still there amazingly but some old fart simply drove straight through the facing red light without a care in the world! Shaken but not stirred I continued onto the store and saw that the 2L Trim ( see previous “impressive body” comment) was paying overs at $4:32 but at least did have long expiry date, unlike me. Given this would not require a drawdown from Q Super I happily took it to counter. It registered – single purchase -as $4:33? Not a big deal of course, but then gets rounded up to $4:35 instead of down to $4:30! I follow the Scrooge McDuck principle of “look after the dimes and the dollars look after themselves” In a week of major events it was a minor thing to say the least but as is human nature it is the everyday things that often resonate more with us because the other stuff is simply too big or too horrendous to contemplate. Like ads for the The Block finale.

The night time temps start to slowly dip below 20 degrees C for first time in 30 years and the neighbourhood rejoices. Not because of the temp mind you, but because it means I now start wearing pyjammas at night. Just hope I remember that on the Midnight pit stop. This means that the brief glorious Qld Winter of 3 week duration can only be months away

If I were Phanto or Rabs I would be a bit concerned. 2 of the big 4 piss takes of the 12th man are now gone. By all accounts Richie was a true gentleman and intimately entwined forever with the word cricket much like how liar and politician are inseparable. Initially Billy B said that was it, no more records. His latest comment was “I cant see another record being made” This could reflect on the fact that vinyl died 20 years ago of course – that would be his politician like excuse for previous comments. Quite clear what he should do. Release the very first 12th man album along with a new and much touted “Richie Benaud: This is your life ” and here comes the zinger. The price? 2 for $22 with all proceeds going to skin cancer research #ideasman #ivegotamillionofthem.

Not much else in the sporting world to report. You know the Masters was a bit dull when some clown in the Aussie media ties Spieths win to his Aussie Open win the previous year because you know Rory won it the year before and then won two majors! Justin Rose walked off the 18 th , turned to his caddie and said “book me a flight to Australia later this year. Oh and get me some fish and chips too “. The other interesting post script was Dr Woods copping flak on social media for his assertion that a bone popped out in his wrist but he pushed it back in. Bit harsh really, if anyone knows how to quickly pop back in a bone that accidentally slips out of place it would be Tiger. Especially if there was a knock on the door. Still, 10 years ago no one would have questioned him

Raylan has ridden off into the sunset for the last time. Not a great finale but then it falls more into the Sopranos Spectrum rather than the Dexter Dump file. By that , I mean you will rate it more highly upon reflection but in the immediate aftermath you are sad that these characters are gone forever and that colors your thoughts. There would never be a perfect ending. The flash forward a few years finale seems very popular these days

SPOILERS. The Raylan/Ava/Boyd triangle was well handled if slightly unbelievable. The last line ” we dug coal together” was memorable. The takedown of Markham too easy, the shootout with Boone a tease and simply not enough Wynn Duffy

It was clearly better than SOA or Mentalist. The big one coming up off course is Mad Men. I have always assumed that it is Don jumping/falling out of the window in the opening montage and there is enough shit in his life to indicate that is a possibility. Of course it is more likely a metaphor for his own personal descent. Time will tell. Netflix continues to impress , especially with their original offerings. While Bloodline was really Revenge on Gilligans Island, Daredevil is my current favourite superhero adaptation, ackowledging of course I know very little about all the back stories. If it aint Superman or Scrooge McDuck I am a bit lost. In other TV news Louie, VEEP, GOT and Silicon Valley all returned with strong premieres while the never dead Community continues to impress. For me Louie is like Seinfeld with a harder edge. They both use observational humour of course but Louie is grittier and his show at times is certainly cringeful to watch. Even if you dont like the episode plot his snippets of stand up at start and end are worth it alone. Madame Secretary – or How Hilary Really Had An Important Job – tackled the old distressed Russian nuclear sub yarn this week. Like everything, The West Wing did it so much better previously

US politics continues to enthrall of course, admittedly through the eyes of Stewart, Oliver, Maher et al. Dumbasses in the Democrats seem to get a tougher time than Ratbags in the the Republicans in general media. Of course when you see that Bill O’Reilly has two books in the NYT April Best Sellers list – Killing Jesus and Killing Patton – it becomes easier to understand if not accept. His autobiography Killing the Truth to be released next year is a guaranteed best seller. Hillary does seem to have a lot of baggage and not just talking under her eyes. Mind you the Republican lineup is no Melbourne Cup field. More like the 7th at Dapto Dogs. No doubt when in Washington in February next year will feel the buzz around. Of course that may just be a tazer because I climbed the White House fence.