flashman181

You know how you build a pool in winter because you cant use it then anyway ? You put the car in for a big service before a long road trip? Well if ya dont ya should. So, given the current hiatus in International Travel for most of 2021 seemed a good idea to get those pesky medical “situations” dealt with now. As such had planned a “significant men only procedure” for this week and you can fill in the blanks. And no its wasnt a Vasectomy…. but there IS a clue there devoted fans

Having done all the investigations late last year only remained to arrive at Wesley Hospital this past Tuesday for the slice and dice or more accurately the scrape and scour. Hey that even hurts just saying it. Luckily they knock you out for it of course and then you enjoy some hospital hospitality until you can pee standing up. Literally. Said procedure also has post op care scenarios , the first involving no driving for 10-14 days afterwards and no driving Fork Lifts or 3 Woods for a month 😦 Pity really because I have never driven a Fork Lift and would have liked to learn how to this week. It is on my bucket list

First fly in ointment of course was Brisvegas going into 3 day lockdown on the Friday before hand. I done math at school and that put them out of lockdown at 6 pm on Monday so should be sweet though never know with Beaverhausen, A. As long as a major sporting event like SOO or Test Cricket isnt planned that day then a big chance will stay locked down….. Still onward, a little to the side, and upward.

Our intrepid hero, working closely with lesser known heroine aka CLP, determined first step was getting to Flashman INC on Sunny Coast without a car. Started walking but by time got to Maryborough West I was buggered so hopped on the Tilt Train instead. Nothing like mixing with the GU to remind you why you like using your car. Pet hate has to be asshole couples who just have to show each other the latest video clip on their phone sans headphones but at full volume. Still, with single seats only in usage it was bearable and was able to pass the time with a quick swig. Here is one I prepared earlier

Duly arrived at a train station in close proximity to Flashman Inc and got my Uber home. Look, it was really CLP but always give her driving a rating so almost an Uber eh. Monday dawned and the lockdown was lifted as threatened . Still need masks and CLP was almost inconsolable when she found out the hospital allowed no visitors. As alcohol was off the table from Monday arvo the condemed man had one last drink for lunch as you do. This could become a habit

We headed down to Brisvegas on Tuesday morning as admission was not until 330 pm. I dont see a problem with being the last case on a long day for an old surgeon! Ah, maybe should make an appointment to see an Optometrist as well. We decamped at our AirBnB for an indeterminant length. Blog followers would know it as RJER s. We knew I would be in hospital ward or morgue for Tuesday night while CLP stayed with Munchkins. After that all bets were off as the extent of “complications” and possibility of new lockdown unknown fully. So around 3 pm CLP slowed just enough at roundabout in front of Wesley so I could jump out. Put my mask on and fronted up like a man. The pre admission process was all smooth and relatively quick and before you knew it I could feel a draft on my backside where clothes use to be. We can put a man on the moon but I wouldn’t send him there in a hospital gown. My Nursey Mercy informed me I was due to go in at 430 pm but they were “running a little late about 30-45 mins and there is one case in front of you”. No sweat. plonk down and watch SBS under blankie . So, by 6 pm was starting to wonder WTF. Then my gas guy came out, looked at me and said talk to you soon and then dragged the first sucker into a small room. Ah, so he must have been the “330 pm case” ! Doc called me in and said a couple of cases went long and will be another hour. Yay, the old surgeon has had a busy and long day. Anyhoo then we started musical beds and moved from one to another almost as a tease as each time you got a little closer to an actual OT.

Around 7 pm they rolled me into OT. I would have thought at this stage I should still have been in a bed but guess the floors are clean in there. Stood up and jumped on a vacant bed which as luck would have it was surrounded by serious people in matching gowns. The surgeon was a stand out though and although am sure he was competent he didn’t seem to have the latest equipment

They put a mask on me told me to breathe and count to 4000 so started going through all of Trump’s lies and next thing ya know I wake up in bed in a ward and its 1030 pm. I know I had a drip in my left arm so was wondering where the 3 bags at the end of the bed were going. Maybe they finally drained fluid out of that buggered ankle? Was going to ask Nurse for bed pan and then penny dropped…….At this stage and in my delicate frame of mind did not think lifting the sheet was worth the risk.

Usual night in hospital where you drift in and out of sleep and form a long and meaningful relationship with the nurse who annoys you every hour to stick something in your ear, down your throat and on your arm. At least no need to get up for usual bathroom breaks thought little optimist me. Day dawned as it usually does after night before and before you could say “Feed me Seymour” a breakfast tray was plonked on my bedside table along with a menu tickbox for next 3 meals. Breakfast was a surprise of course but was very tasty pancake, cereal, yoghurt combo. No help of course doing anything but could manage as long as didnt have to move too much. Sated I left my filled out dance card on tray after selecting some rather tasty meals in case needed. At this stage did not know if staying in another night as that would depend on what else was staying in. Ya with me…..

Only unpleasant staff member dealt with turned up and gave me a meal card to fill out where upon I politely informed her “already done and was on that tray you took out thanks. Really looking forward to that Honey Mustard Lamb” She informed me “that is tomorrows meal card you had to fill out todays lunch yesterday” Grumble moan. “Well sweetheart if you had sent it up to OT 3 around 10 pm last night I would have !” Things went south from there , much like all fluids at present, but did end up with Sweet n Sour Pork for lunch

Doc turned up and said all went well. We did this and then we did that and if you can do anything for next 48 hrs will be amazed. Good, a challenge. Ok Percival, how do I get out of this place? Well, first we remove that “apparatus” that has allowed you to stay in bed for 12 hrs and then you have to pass (Urologist humour? ) the 3 Pee rule. Sweet

Ok , now I know what childbirth feels like ! Glad I wasnt awake when they inserted it. Now being a wine conny sewer I would say the first one was a very old Cab Sav that had probably corked if ya get my drift. Pain was present in abundance but at least now could have a shower and remove the last bit of much hair attached tape! Within 30 mins Number 2 was knocking on the door and we now had a fruity Pinot Noir with a little sediment. Too much detail? With all the IV drip fluid and much water consumed in last hour before you could say “pants down and stand back” number 3 came a calling. A pleasant Rose I would suggest so things were on the improve if not the actual pain of counting to 3. Of course each time after said process Nursey had to come in and US the bladder to see if you were holding back on her. My scores were a bit like a top order Aussie batsman on a good day. 43, 0 ,36. I have to say in my defense the last 36 I had to wait 10 mins before the US was done. Still everyone, except me, was happy and it was only 11 am. I told Nursey happy to go home as long as get my lunch after having to deal with Frau Blucher . I did and duly left a bit after 1 pm.

CLP slowed down again at roundabout so could jump on board and back to RJER all in a turn around of less than 24 hrs. A quiet few hours before munchkins turned up and they were a delight as usual. At least now was no longer fasting but the true horror hit at 5 pm. Yes, no alcohol for another few days while on drugs

It wasnt horrible but of course it was only afterwards that everyone else informed me that the Heineken Zero alcohol was the way to go . If nothing else these last few days I have learnt that. Both kiddies were tired but still playful and before you knew it was time for bed again

Night was ok, all things considered, and then it was on the road again back to Flashman Inc to be waited on hand and foot for next 7 days while I play the sympathy angle. One last goodbye from our gracious hosts and all home by 8 am. In general, all things have gone as well as could be expected given they did include that old favourite additional operation – a walletectomy . Still, they are still printing it arent they. The surgeon was happy and as long as Pathologist is equally gleeful that should be the end of medical procedures for some time and can get back to some travel. Yay Team Fergella