Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

Posted: June 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

Ahh that Freddy knew how to lay waste – to a pair of scissors that is.

I played Cowboys and Indians as a youngster. Dressed up at times too but the Construction worker always butted in. Probably preferred war games though in the sandpit with the plastic toy soldiers and tanks etc. In those days we still had ……. crackers! Now that was fun with little soldiers. And all the time we were accumulating Vitamin D to boot. Of course as I got older and discovered girls I realised there was more fun to be had in sandpits so game play moved indoors …. and the slow decline began. Over the years there have been many good games come along in the “war” genre but they were never perfect and usually involved having to relate to other people! If a game doesnt have bots I am not interested. Always a PC boy never that keen on PS 3s etc. (Ok I have no manual dexterity – happy now?). Then we had the infusion of games into Facebook which while appeared “free” were anything but. Yes Zynga am talking to you. Slowly the mobile phone/iPad took over but once again struggled – yes manual dexterity again ok. Then like a phoenix rising from the ashes an innocuous little turn based game grabbed my eye in the store because it involved Knights. And Lords. Fittingly the Holy Grail of Time Wasting had arrived. Knights and Lords? Nah doesnt sound right, why not call it Lords and Knights.

Started playing a few months ago and like most of these games the online community is very helpful to us noobs. Pure chance to choose to join Immortal Byron on the Australia 2 server and the slow learning process began. Now these guys could be axe murderers for all I know – or worse still Victorians – but they quickly became online mates. There was Boom, Muddie, Dilligaf, Sneeky, Norris, Dopey and Sleepy – just to name a few. Ok there are no siwsh graphics. There is also no constant requirement to “buy to continue past a wood hut and 1 rusty knife” . Yes Zynga I am talking to you. You gather wood, stone and gold like we have in every game since …. well Medieval times I guess. You build walls, keeps, barracks yada yada yada. But its all a numbers game. And it requires thought and planning. And no life. Tick Tick Tick

So we are at war at present. Now the CLP will tell you I already spend too much time on this. On a recent weeks holiday I was under threat of having to purchase her a new pair of shoes if I played the game that week. (Thank me for Vacation Mode eh fellas?). As if she could have fitted another pair of shoes on the plane – it wasnt an Airbus 380! So after going cold turkey it was time to throw myself fully into this battle and support my new found mates and actually claim a castle of one of those other mongrels – whom I suspect are Blues supporters! (Sorry boys but this is war!)

Now I couldnt play golf on Saturday because we had to plan our Sunday AM launch. Its all about SVT – or as we call it Server Time. You dont want to attack at night and lose half of your troops. Duh! So it was all go for 0800 on Sunday – but by late Saturday not everyone had checked in – this could get ugly. Now you can fake attacks – probably a ploy to attract women players who find this a natural action in life . Apparently. So the clever approach is to fake 9 castles and only hit one for real so he has spread his defense thinly. When it works it is a thing of beauty to see. Of course it can take hours from launch of attack to actual attack – and the enemy is notified immediately. So the counter attacks to your castles begin. So up at 0530 on Sunday morning to initiate the multiple castle attack to try and catch him unawares. from 2.5 down to 1 hr travel time. My clever fakes from Saturday had drawn counter attacks to my other castles. 14 attacks over the whose day – had to be fakes right, who would throw about 10,000 troops at one castle? So part A worked perfectly and by 0900 my 13th castle had been christened. Now I can relax rest of day and just check whether he sent 1 ox car or 1 spearman in each attack for fits and giggles. First attack @ 10:00. 500 Lancers, 500 Archers, 500 Swords. Hmm, ok thats interesting but I can handle it sweet. Next attack same. After 5 attacks the same I am starting to think my nana nap is in peril here. Now I wont bore you any further with the intricacies of this clever game but timing is critical – attack forces landing in same 10 minute window join forces. The defending castle must have > 51 units left to continue to next battle phase. By 4pm I was trickling like a 70 yr old with an enlarged prostate! Now this a great defense ploy. You remove many of your troops to a nearby empty castle and slowly trickle feed in 51 troops at a time in 10 minute intervals. Had fought off > 8000 attack troops and left with one ox and one whore only to see final battle report. Remaining attackers – 51! Fuck you are kidding me, I am going to lose this castle because that bloody whore didnt screw one more attacker to death! Wait 10 minutes for next and final report and Bye Bye Flashtown. Nothing happened. Another 10 minutes. Nothing. No more attacks. Ok, he must not have sent Silver! Knob kiss. And there on the horizon is Muddy with 1000 Armoured Horsemen – but sadly no more whores. Oh well may as well go to bed then.

I am not an alcoholic – well certainly not a functioning one. But I just had a lost weekend. I really achieved nothing except one more castle. This cant go on. Or can it? I dont know – but I have to get back now because some bastard just lit up Flashville and I have to get back there to contact da boys.

Before the Next Teardrop falls?

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