2013 TV Wish List

Posted: December 18, 2012 in TV

Ok this time of year we all make wish lists but all I want for Xmas is some bloody rain so lets skip the next few weeks and move onto 2013 and look into the TV Crystal Ball

Boardwalk Empire

    More Chalky, less Irish tart. In fact Capone discovers that even his deaf son is annoyed by her constant moaning so he puts a hit on her. Nucky then thinks its time to get his illegitimate Italian brother over from Sicily to take care of Capone given the close links the Irish and Italians have always had. Vito Corleone duly arrives and makes Capone an offer he cant refuse. Luckily there were some dead horses still on the set from Luck so no more animals were harmed in the filming of this episode. Richard loses the sight in his good eye thus making him an even worse dancer but we see the first introduction of the famous hockey mask which would be used extensively in horror films many years later. Nucky realises he is no longer lucky but as he doesn’t give a fucky anymore takes a long walk of the rather short Atlantic City pier. Miraculously he is kept afloat by the constant number of bottles that always seem to be swarming just off the beach. He floats to Australia and naturally is quickly deported to Christmas Island where he lands a full time gig as an elf and lives happily ever after

    Homeland

Brody becomes a lumberjack in Canada and evades capture by the Intelligence community by assuming the name of “Nick” thus remaining totally undetectable. Carrie and Dana have a whine-off in Washington only to be tragically killed when the Lincoln Statue falls on them thus fulfilling one of his famous decrees “ and Liberty for all”. Saul finally breaks out in song when he hears the news and after shaving off his beard in a futile protest heads off in search of the Princess Bride thus fulfilling his lifetime dream of appearing in 2 Fairy Tales simultaneously. Nazir and Bin Laden bond over sheets and form an unholy alliance the world has not seen the likes of since Gillard and Rudd. Mrs Brody has a clause inserted into her contract whereby she must appear naked every episode but never actually speak. Finally we have the Homeland we only once dared dreamed of. In the last scene the new VP played by Elaine finally meets the President played by Jerry thus confirming all along it has been a show about nothing.

Dexter

    Realising they can never have the man they love, Deb and Hannah become lesbian lovers. Sadly old habits die hard and Deb succumbs to a fatal poisoning during a Cunnilingus Catastrophe. Dexter is distraught and finally cracks killing his father because he is sick and tired of him always turning up when he is having fun. With his world unravelling Dex heads to the Marina and off to the wide blue yonder in his boat only to tragically hit an iceberg in the middle of Miami Harbour and drown. Critics later state that the appearance of an iceberg in Miami during summer was one of the more believable scenarios on this show over 8 seasons. Harrison is seen shopping online for hessian sacks (head size) as a sly evil grin spreads across his face. Over the closing credits we hear in a slow lilting female voice – “Oh fuck me , not another fucking one”. Is Deb really dead after all?

    Breaking Bad

      Walt grows hair – apparently. Jesse becomes insanely jealous of the luxuriant growth especially when Hank turns up with an Afro. No matter how much Meth he rubs into his scalp , nothing! He kidnaps Skyler for her hair and keeps her in a well in the middle of his house and lowers down food in a bucket. Skyler thinks if she can just get hold of his mysterious yapping little dog she will have the upper hand but just as her plan starts to come together Jodie Foster bursts in and saves the day. A bottle of Chianti is strategically placed on the table as Foster slowly turns to Jesse with a smile and says “ah what the hell she was a whiny bitch anyway”. Walt on discovering that his one true love – Foster – has just eaten his wife goes ape and smashes her over the head with a Periodic Table, ironically the heavy metals causing the most damage. As Jess and Walt face off for the final showdown Hank bursts in shooting them both dead. He then pulls off the Afro wig and turns to the bleeding corpses and says “ who is the fool now fellas”. Saul is offered his own show of 13 episodes under the working title of “Better Call Saul” .

      Mad Men

    All the male cast die in the third episode from Lung cancer. Joanie’s breast reduction surgery is spread out over episodes 4-6 as it is a 3 week operation. Mrs Draper 2 becomes a headline act in Moulin Rouge while Betty D takes over Dons job and her first client is Gloria Steinem who is being sued when she burned Joanie’s old bra and the fire engulfed Wall Street. Now you know why all those bodies falling out of windows in the opening credits were black! Peggy gets a job in the White House with her Dad and lives happily ever after until she meets a cowpoke named Bill from Little Rock. Luckily she has her friend Monica to confide in.

    Misfits

      Anything will do fellas, just keep making it.

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